February is coming up and our thoughts turn to romance.
Mine do, certainly, because I have just cleaned the bathroom in my usual resentful manner and I have had the following realisation. Partner and I have been together 13 years (how?!), during which, my cleaning bathrooms toll is at least, wait for it, 650. And Partner’s is, wait for it, 0. 0! And I have read Germaine Greer! I swear he doesn’t even know where we keep the clean towels. I swear he doesn’t. Anyway. That is not what this blog post is about, no. It is about romance novels.
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| Not an engagement ring because, astonished though you may be to hear this, no-one has ever shown the slightest desire to marry me. I know! |
A while ago, the
Gingerbread Lady who is very funny, waves to Gingerbread Lady,
posted about a romance novel she was reading which she had intended to give her mother but which had turned out to be slightly more explicit, which makes me think of the time my cousin Kerry lent my mother a novel featuring an unfortunate scene with a courgette which we have never referred to since. (I am having an argument
with someone over email about my apparently ‘random’ use of commas, and, reading the last sentence back, I am indeed wondering if I have punctuated it in
the absolute optimum way. Do feel free to add a few dots in your head while you are reading it if you feel that would improve things). Well, the Gingerbread Lady was then obviously deluged by excited people wanting to share their thoughts on the subject of romance novels. And this made me think. OK, look, obviously I am a feminist and moreover Trained To Recognise Great Literature. (To recognise it and run away. That's a joke). But I do always kind of want to write a Mills & Boon book.
Just to see if I can. Don’t you? Go on, admit it. Yes you do.
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| Me. Ha ha no. But you're not going to believe this, I've actually got an umbrella just like that (long story). I'm nearly there! |
So I’m going to. I’m having trouble thinking of a scenario because all the romance novels I’ve read have been on cattle ranches and things like that, and frankly if I know one end of a cow from another then that’s as much as I know, so I’m not sure I could make a cattle ranch convincing. Or indeed a Bedouin encampment. Or C14 Spain. (Definitely not C14 Spain). And I'm dead certain I can't do anything even remotely explicit because, look,
I was discombobulated by pectin (see last post). Anyway I shall ponder and if I manage to get more than two words strung together you’ll all be the first to know because I shall post it on here in installments and people can chip in if they want (although, you know, they have to end up together in the end. There’s a limit to how far you can subvert the genre).
I’m betting really, really strongly that it won’t be as easy as it looks!
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8 comments:
Where's the romance on a cattle ranch? Cow-pats, flies, trouser wedgies from a day in the saddle ... no, no. Back to the drawing board, poppet, this will just not do.
Oh, wait a moment - Golden Rule of Novel Writing: Draw Upon what You know. Okay - here oyu go: she could be a gourmet jam-slash-marmalade maker and he could be the owner of a multi-million-dollar chain of delicatessen that supply (among others) Harrods. Think of all the saucy (!) pectin-related shenanigans they could get up to while Chardonnay tries to come up with a new signature jam for Kyle's flagship store in Manhattan. He might get angry with her and smash jars about the place, she'd thrust her heaving porcelain bosoms at him - and before you know it, they'd be grindin' among the rinds...
ETA: Had to delete the first one because I suddenly couldn't spell
... aaaand I think you've got the plot :-). Thank you Gingerbread Lady!
I can see Chardonnay now, her wild curly hair tucked under one of those meshes both to reveal her fragile neck and to make sure there aren't any hairs in the preserves, frowning pensively and pouting her plump lips over the sugar thermometer. She knew fig and elderflower was a daring combination, but O will it never reach the hard-ball stage?
And then they could squeeze the pectin together like the pottery scene in Ghost.
OK, I've just got to do the 300 pages in the middle now. No probs. {Goes off whistling}.
I have a friend who has written for Mills & Boon. You're right. It's really very very difficult indeed to do it well. There used to be a 'this is what you do' guide to writing for M&B (possibly supplied by M&B themselves, but I'm not 100% sure of that...). It goes something like 'there must be instant attraction between the main characters, but there must be some major reason why they can't be together. There must be mini-climaxes (if you'll pardon the expression) every so many pages, and there must be a happy (preferably wedded) ending'. Then you have to name your hero with some outlandish hard and manly name (Bart Stone is one of my favourites. Rock is also good). Your heroine, on the other hand, must have a fluffy feminine name. It's really not as easy as you might think. But if you have any success, tell us about it!
And on the subject of punctuation, I think yours is absolutely right. I can hear you speaking as I read it (though not in a scary, 'voices-in-my-head' way), and the commas are in exactly the right places. And I are an editor, so I know what I'm on about. :-) Maria
LOL I like Georgette Heyer for romance :-) Can't read M&B because in chapter 1 the heroine is jet-black haired with emerald eyes, by chapter 3 the author forgot what they said, and she is a chestnut-brunette with stunning amber eyes ....
I confess to reading in the romance genre and I would love, love, love to read one by you, especially with suggestions from Gingerbread Lady. I am writing this through teary eyes just from reading the above comments. Remember in today's romance genre the heroine must not only get the man but must also take her independent career to a new level of success, so Chardonnay will need to take her jam-making to international status.
Maria, thank you for the kind words about the commas, K I hope you are reading this ;-). I think this is going to be a challenge but I am going to write my first chapter now, wish me luck.
I will try and find those guidelines. My reading of M&B is primarily of ones published in the 70s/ 80s and I think the rules have relaxed somewhat, because in those days I don't think the heroines were allowed to have had prior relationships. This will not work for Chardonnay, as she will never see 30 again ;-). Jam making takes experience, people. It only comes with age!
I actually do love Georgette Heyer ;-).
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