Dear man who I met in the centre of Cambridge yesterday,

Cambridge is a tiny city with medieval streets. This means, when vans have to park to drop things off for shops, it causes problems, doesn’t it? That was why, seeing that a van was parked half way on the pavement, making it impossible for two people to pass, I stood in the road politely and waited for you to go past. I was the woman in the grey tshirt who you completely ignored and who stared at you furiously in a pointed fashion. I have not got to the point yet where I actually stop and tell people off in the street when they do this, so you are fortunate. I am saving this for when I am forty. I will enjoy it very much. I may print flyers.

I live in the part of Cambridge which makes people suck their teeth, man who had lots of expensive carrier bags, and when I go to pick up my paper from the shop in the estate I meet a lot of young men wearing hoodies, and sometimes walking pitbulls. I also meet a lot of people speeding along the pavement on their bikes, because part of the pavement turns into a cycle track (yes! This is inconvenient for all of us!). The young men wearing hoodies/ cyclists invariably stand aside to let me pass, and, when I do the same for them, chirrup ‘thank you!’ cheerfully. The pitbulls look cheerful too, but pitbulls always look as if they are smiling to me. I am sorry that you have not had their opportunities and good upbringings. This is very sad.

It is, however, possible you are just a little socially awkward and not a great big entitled git, and, in case that is so, I have prepared a little etiquette guide for you. This will make you more popular than the new clothes in your carrier bags will. If someone stands aside to let you pass, holds a door open for you, lets you go first on a bus etc etc, this is what you do. You make eye contact very briefly, you smile, and you say, ‘thank you’. Then you go on your way. This discharges your social duties. I do not need to be invited to dinner, to receive a written thank you card purchased from Primavera, or to be presented with your firstborn. It is a small thing, but one day I will turn into the She Hulk when this happens, rather than just writing passive aggressive letters on my blog. Do you want to be the recipient?

No. I thought not. So, you get off, and get practicing your thank yous.

Yours in joy and friendship,

Susie xoxo.