Sunday, 18 December 2011

Christmas Tree decorations are what happen when you're busy making other plans

I have put up our Christmas tree in time for Yule. When we were growing up, my brother had a favourite Christmas Tree ornament, which was so hideous I am surprised it didn’t give me nightmares. It was an orangutan made out of a coconut shell, so it was all hairy, and it was about 3 times bigger than all the other ornaments and had a thick bit of rope to hang it on your tree with. I can’t remember where Dan got his monkey from (someone from my family will ring me up now and remind me), but every year my mother refused to have it on the tree and every year Dan would sneak it out. I myself once had a really attractive Christmas tree. We have a black tree, and we had special posh white LED lights from John Lewis, and a silver and purple ornament theme, and I did not allow anything on the tree which was not glass. It looked great. It was brief, but it looked great. Well, the next year the lights broke and I had to drag out my multicoloured ones from Woolworths which are 15 years old, and Partner had become rebellious because apparently ‘none of his favourite ornaments had been on the tree last year’. Yes! To my horror, a coconut monkey situation had developed without me realising. I have been trying to sweep it under the carpet ever since (‘Oh, I don’t know where Naked Santa is’), but I knew I was doomed when Partner picked up something quite unspeakable in a shop in Islington this year and sent me off to the counter, stating that ‘we buy one new ornament every year! It’s a tradition!’.
And we had to take our time selecting 'the one with the bushiest tail'
I think it is supposed to be a cat. It looks to me like a flying fox, but, Partner checked the label. It seems to be made out of a brush, honestly, I am having flashbacks to the monkey. I thought in for a penny in for a pound this year, and so the other ornament you can see just behind the brush-cat is a fake mink ball I bought from Habitat many years ago when I thought we could have Iconic Modern Design Integrated Into Our Lifestyles. Partner was confused when I brought it back.

Partner: Is it supposed to be a testicle?
Me (gritted teeth): No. It’s a furry ball. It’s an ironic take on the Christmas bauble. It’s from Habitat.
Partner: Only I thought, you know trees are phallic symbols, so I thought you were decorating it with testicles.
Me: It isn’t a testicle. (doubtfully). It’s modern. It’s fashionable.

I think I am just not very good at trees. But the brush cat and the testicles (there are three) honestly pale in comparison to Naked Santa. I actually am a bit ashamed of Naked Santa who Partner bought from Woolworths one year when I was too tired to do Christmas (aaand that was my first mistake). I can’t imagine how Naked Santa got through the planning meetings (‘we’ve got a new design! It’s Santa, but he’s kind of like crossed with a cherub, so he’s naked with a winning expression, but it’s OK! His beard covers everything!’).
And this, in a nutshell, is why Woolworths closed
I mean, there are no words, are there? I just hope no-one looks too closely at our tree. Since I was having Brush Cat, Naked Santa and the Three Testicles on the tree this year I thought, why not have Prague Pig as well. So here he is.
Now there's a sophisticated Christmas ornament
Prague Pig is from Prague (as his name suggests). I don’t know why pigs are festive in the Czech Republic – perhaps you eat them at Christmas? And I don’t know why I was walking round Prague one July thinking, never mind the castle and all the restaurants serving 30 different varieties of dumpling, what we need to put our energies into is finding a mad ceramic Christmas ornament. Anyway somehow I came home with Prague Pig and to be honest I like having him on the tree more than I liked the one amazing year when my tree looked like one from a magazine. I had better go now as Partner has just wandered off stating his intention to rearrange the tree to create a kind of a tableau where ‘brush cat is chasing Naked Santa’. I may have a soft spot for Prague Pig, but I am drawing the line at that. I have my purple and silver glass ornaments, and I know how to use them.

10 comments:

Tink Edwards said...

Naked Santa might just be the most horrifying Christmas decoration I have ever seen.

Alittlebitsheepish said...

Love this, that is a stunning display of christmas ornament randomness

The Foggy Knitter said...

So this is where I'm going wrong, I will have to research getting my own naked Santa, or possibly a Czech sheep, I was congratulated on the tastefulness of my Christmas tree the other day and we just can't be having that!

omlair said...

Absolutely love naked santa. Its much nicer to have a mish mash of decorations, there's always nice memories attached. The parent's tree had ornaments I loved, when I got out on my own I did the 'pretty' tree thing, but you don't get that lovely sentimentality when you pull your fave decos out of the box after a year...

Also, I've passed a blog award onto you: http://omlair.blogspot.com/2011/12/whats-best-way-to-say-omigosh-somebody.html

mooncalf said...

Naked Santa is horrific.

*bleaches brain*

Probably not as bad as matchy-matchy trees though.

kristieinbc said...

I love both the pig and the unidentified animal! It sort of looks like a hedgehog to me. Whatever it is , it's cute. :-)

The Foggy Knitter said...

P.S. Cats really won't leave you alone will they, now one's come home with you ;)

Gracey is not my name.... said...

I love your unmatchy ornaments...gives your tree character

Anonymous said...

I love the little brush ornament, I think its adorable actually. I too though am not sure if it is a cat or a fox but it can come and be in my tree and be very welcome. You can get brush reindeers too. I want one but they are too expensive.

dichotomyof said...

oh I needed more than a laugh box - I needed a fell off my chair and hit my head on the coffee table box. I fear naked santa is an image seared into my minds eye. Even worse it has inspired Steve to seek out something similar.
We have a brush type animal as well - ours is a skunk. The christmas skunk...