Brief dispatches from Derbyshire

Things are becoming difficult, please send chocolate (as the saying goes).

Stop it naughty animal. No chardonnay for you

I have been the victim of a Very Bad Cat. I think this cat is even worse than the Cambridge cat which tripped up the old lady. This is me, with the help of Big Fat Hairy Ginger, trying to open an ebay account for Aunty Kath, which necessitated opening a Paypal and a Hotmail account as well. Can you imagine trying to get three lots of user names, passwords and secret questions out of Aunty Kath? By the time we had got to the end she was swigging back the Chardonnay, shouting 'I don't care anymore!' and throwing cocktail sausages about with gay abandon.

Because you never know when an amputee who has a cold hand in July may be wandering past

I am fending off constant exciting shopping opportunities. It is a good job I have no money.

I don't know. Modern sanitation

This needs no explanation. You will be relieved to know that you can flush the toilet if you put your hand into the cistern. I sometimes think the most useful thing for me to do would be to retrain as a plumber as bathroom issues follow me wherever I go, I don't know what this means in terms of Feng Shui but I suspect it isn't good.

Back in Cambridge on Monday when normal service will resume.