Pretentious? Moi?

I have been taking part in Amy's Valentine Card swap (other participants look away now, potential spoiler alert!), and I had trouble finding inspiration. Then it came to me right at the eleventh hour and I produced this.

The stray glue doesn't look as bad in real life. Honest

Yes. I am the proud sender of the most pretentious card ever produced as part of a card swap. I posed it on Ulysses for the photograph to make it worse. I have no excuse. On the bright side if I ever have to send out any ransom notes I could do it quite quickly now. (I did get a bit of glue on the front, but, I am working on being less perfectionist and neurotic. So I left it. Oh, my swap partner has much to forgive).

(It means: I hate and I love. Why do I do this, perhaps you ask. I don't know, but I feel it happen, and I am tortured. It is by Catullus and I do think it pretty much says all you ever need to in a love poem, and if western society had just left it at that, we could have done away with great swathes of Shakespeare and probably quite a few of the Metaphysicals. Never mind though, nobody ever listens to my fantastic ideas about literary utility).

Just wanted to say quickly

That Amy from Knitter of Hats Speaks is doing a valentine's day card swap on her blog, which is a fab idea - if you want to go and sign up (I have, har har), here is the post, you have until 14th Jan.

Also, Resa from Discovering Asterisms blogged about the card she received from Sarah, go look, and I for one am very happy you have remembered how to internet, Resa, yay indeed.

And Moomin Mamma, just wanted to say to you that my Aunty Kath received your card safely and thought it was lovely, and I would have got a photo only I was a bit distracted during my Festive Visit (you can imagine. Waves to family. Hi!).

And one more thing - as you know, I am decluttering (misery misery oh woe is me). I am decluttering cookbooks and have some vegan cook zines (only about 3) that I would like to go to a good home. One of them is a bit mad and please ignore what it says about vitamin B12, but the other two are really useful (I am just not vegan any more, and I need the space, although I am retaining my trusty copy of Vegan With A Vengeance). If anyone would like them, just leave me a comment below - free to the first person who asks. I am painting the bathroom at the moment so I might not be able to post until next week, but I promise not to forget ;-).

Sleep well!

Getting into the Christmas Spirit

Have you got nuts? I want nuts. Have you got nuts?

This weekend I survived a squirrel attack in Tavistock Square. I did have a moment while taking this photo where I thought it might go for my throat, and I might end up as one of those embarrassing statistics, like people who die while tripping over a biscuit. And then everybody would have to gloss over it at my funeral and the eulogy would have had to be worded really carefully. But it was ok, he turned tail, waggled his bottom at us and disappeared, having ascertained that we weren’t going to produce a sack of nuts (look, I’m feeding half the squirrels in Cambridge, greedy little devils, I can’t branch out into London ones as well), and I was able to get home in one piece and make a start on my cards.

I like a nice bright Christmas card, do you?

And then today I soaked the dried fruits for my Christmas cake. Do you make your own Christmas cake, blog readers? I don’t always get round to it (and, you know, I’ve only soaked the fruits, I might not get any further. Nigella says in one of her books she once couldn’t face actually making the cake and just left the fruits she was soaking in the cupboard and made it the next year instead and it was ok. Mind you, I always think Nigella has had quite a difficult go of it in some respects, money and large townhouses notwithstanding), but I do like having a homemade one hanging about. Heavy fruit cake is one of my favourite things, so I spend all of January carving bits off and nibbling it with cups of tea. I iced it the first year I made one, but the icing was too much, and now we have it plain, in a thrilling Christmas Cake Minimalism kind of way. I always use the Delia Christmas Cake recipe and I can say with some confidence that this is a recipe with which very little can go wrong, so feel free to use it too, although, unless you are the kind of person who habitually has a cupboard full of currants and nutmeg (luckily I am, as it happens), buying all the ingredients will bankrupt you (although you can use some of them to make mincemeat as well). I don’t quite know how you get round that. I suppose that’s why Christmas is a Feast. You can imagine, actually, in times gone by, when you had been eating turnips for two months in increasing desperation, having foods in the middle of the winter that required things like nutmeg and thrilling dried fruits from europe would have seemed impossibly delicious and glamorous. There is still something appropriately-seasonally-exotic about it, in a way.

The trick is not to drink the brandy and forget about the cake. Cake first, brandy after

So now all the kitchen smells of citrus, raisins and brandy and I am tortured by having the Glade air freshener advert running through my head, where a woman who sounds as if someone has performed an amateur lobotomy on her, possibly with a Glade Touch'n Fresh, tells us that ‘It’s time to go all Christmassy’. I think Glade actually make their adverts terrible on purpose, because I didn’t realise until I was trying to find a link for that one, but they also did the Shake n’Vac advert of blessed memory, and, more recently, the one featuring the little boy who wanted to go and do a poo at Paul’s. I just hope that little boy doesn’t grow up to be anything where that advert might resurface and embarrass him. I know a child star who grew up to become a very serious Oxford academic, I’m just putting that out there, because it would be awful if that little boy ends up lecturing on nuclear fission or something and all his students chorus ‘I want to do a poo at Paul’s!’ every time he walks up to the lectern. (I wonder if Glade are like the Daily Mail, who do things just to annoy us. Someone posted this link at a very nice forum I visit. Read, despair of womankind, feel astonishment that access to Boden for the middle classes isn't included in the human rights act. Lawyer up, Charlotte! Fight for your right to leopardskin ballet flats and quirky appliqué skirts!).

Anyway the point of this diversion is that I think my fruits soaking in brandy smell more Christmassy than a Glade Touch'n Fresh and I would recommend my room fragrancing method to you, because with a cake, not only do you get the scents of brandy and raisins while you are making it, but you also get, well, you also get a cake. And with a Glade air freshener there are no hidden bonuses. Even if it is a spiced apple one (in fact - you could make a baked apple! And then you also get - a baked apple! You get the picture ;-) ).

The sad tale of a Droopy Dirndl

Well, I was a bit under the weather last week, so I slipped behind with my blogging activity and reading blogs, but it's nice to be back and I shall be catching up this week (oh, yes. Grit your teeth). I did notice, though, that Resa at Discovering Asterisms had made some amazing lino cut cards, one of which may be for the swap – Resa, goodness me woman, you have raised the bar. How is everyone else getting on? We've got (almost) a fortnight to go so no need to panic yet (don't worry, I'll let you know when it's time to panic, because I'll be panicking right along with you).

Snow. Post - nice & fresh, pre - slush

Anyway, it's snowed here now. Partner has cracked and we've got the central heating on all day, also he has trotted out to work today in his yellow scarf and gloves (Partner is very, very colour blind, but he just loves yellow. We think perhaps it's one of the only colours he can see) looking like a bad-tempered Rupert Bear. I have been hunkered down sewing, drinking tea and listening to the Dresden Dolls. I've taken some photos of the silky scarves and put them on etsy.

I have produced a non-mad product photo that has the side benefit of making our house look normal. Which it isn't. Go me

I'm linking them here because I actually think the photos don't look bad, and I'm quite pleased with them. (Those of you who've tried to take photos of things for etsy/ folksy/ blogs/ anything – which is probably pretty much all of you – will know how difficult it is. It is difficult, isn't it? It isn't just me?). Can you see my rug? I got that from ebay. I'm never too ill for ebay*. It's made from recycled fleece bits. I don't know how I'm going to hoover it. Perhaps I'll just buy a new one when it gets dirty. (That was a joke).

Back to the mad photos. Sorry

And I've been having a go at a pouffy kind of a skirt from recycled men's shirts. I've had the idea to do this for a while, because the one thing I always seem to be able to find in charity shops is nice, good quality, cotton men's shirts. Those of you who are squeamish are now thinking, yes, that's because they come from dead people, but I'm not squeamish. Or not about that, at any rate. So I'm not bothered. Bring on the dead people shirts, that's what I say. Let's get some use out of them!

This is the side. This is an informative rather than a funny caption

It's made from two shirts (although these ones are from my dad, who, I should point out, is very much alive), and I've sewn it so that the button bands run down each side, and one of the button bands forms the closure (I'd quite like to play up the button bands, but I'm not sure how to pick them out. Perhaps with contrast buttons?).

This is just much my very initial prototype (almost a pre-prototype. A pretotype?), but I think when I've made a few improvements it actually won't be a bad design. I can see it working quite well. I made this sample from short-sleeved shirts, so it's got a contrast waistband from some fabric I'd got hanging about, but if I made it from long-sleeved shirts I'd use the sleeves to make the waistband. The waistband needs narrowing, tapering and interfacing. Actually, that's my one sewing tip, listen carefully: Interface Everything. There, you'll thank me for that one day. No probs, you're welcome.

It's a bit of a droopy dirndl. I'm working on it

I'd like a bit more fullness. I considered lining it and I might try that, but I don't want to get too far away from the simplicity of making it just from two shirts. I think if I use slightly stiffer shirts it might help. I could make a petticoat, as well, I suppose. Of course, the fuller you get with a skirt like this, the more you risk it making you look like Anne Widdecombe, so I might see if I can shape the waistband a bit and bring it further down the stomach. Anyway, I'll do another version, and see how I feel.

* On the subject of ebay, there may have been an incident involving boots. It was late. I was weak. I may need to blog for absolution when they arrive. I do hope you won't begrudge me.

Oh. My. Goodness

OK, now don't be too alarmed. But there's been a kidnapping. And I've been emailed a ransom note.

‘Hello
These toys are being held hostage in the loft at No £$.*
Ransom required, one christmas card idea.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx’

*[I have blanked out my mother’s house number here so she doesn’t worry about burglars].

How many cuddly tortoises have you seen before? Me = none

Well, this is just terrible, because obviously these toys have quite a lot of sentimental value. Because I made them myself, when I was very young. And I think it took quite a lot of skill to make the panda look quite that camp. And the hedgehog you can see on the left of the picture is actually a mascot my Aunty Kath bought me for when I was doing my finals, and I used to take him along to all my exams hidden in my mortar board (I had to wear full sub fusc for my exams. Don’t get me started). I think I had the biggest mascot in the Exam Schools. Everyone else had small sophisticated objects from countries they’d visited in their gap year. Well, I have, actually, worried about Mr Hedgehog’s whereabouts over the years, so I am delighted to see he has popped up again – but in captivity! Oh no!

Anyway, I have been looking for card ideas, and I'm not quite there yet. I found this idea for a Christmas zine on the Post Punk Kitchen, which I thought was a nice idea – incorporating a recipe into a card. And I love the look of paper cutting, although I’m not sure I could pull (a simple version of) it off (ditto lino printing). So I’m not sure I'm quite in a position to get Hedgehog, Panda, Seal et al (Seal is stuffed with foam chips – he’s hard as a rock! He can look after himself) out of their hostage situation yet - make sure you treat them well, cruel kidnapper! I do keep seeing on blogs and things that other people are doing well with the whole card swap situation, though – well done everyone, keep at it, and I shall continue looking for inspiration and report back (and I can’t wait to see everyone else’s – I’m quite fascinated!).

(You know what would be lovely, actually? Making biscuits and icing them as Christmas cards. Not for a card swap or posting, obviously, but for people you give them to in person. Because there is no situation that isn't improved by a biscuit!).

The Homemade Christmas Card Swap sign-up post!

ETA, Sign ups now closed! Thanks to everyone for taking part x.

OK, people. Let’s do it. Let’s have a Homemade Christmas/ Yule Card Swap.

People send me cards. I squirrel away the shiny ones

 (This isn’t only to encourage me to get off my behind and make my own cards this year, I promise, but, you know, that will be a happy side-effect. We can encourage each other! I can post links/ ideas that don’t involve buying something very peculiar I saw late the other night on QVC which melts powder to emboss cards, and which burnt the woman who was demonstrating it quite seriously!).

You’ll be sending one homemade card out to one other person, and receiving a card from someone else. (ETA, I meant a card with a greeting in it, not a blank one for someone to reuse). My definition of homemade is quite loose: whatever floats your boat, from a hand-embroidered Yule-themed art postcard to a bit of glitter stuck on a card from Primark. Basically if you’ve had a hand in making/ altering it and you like it, then we’d love to have it in the swap. (It strikes me that we all celebrate different things these holidays – Christmas, Yule etc – I think rather than tailoring cards so that they cover everything let’s just send a December Greeting in the way we would normally do it, and take the ones we receive as a greeting as they were intended, i.e. I’ll happily receive Winterval, Yule, Kwanzaa cards or whatever anyone wants to send me. But let me know if you feel strongly another way).

Anyway, here’s the serious bit. These are the Roolz:

• To sign up, leave me a comment below, saying that you’re in. Then email me your postal address (to uselessbeautydesigns [at] gmail.com), and also tell me your commenting name (so I can cross-reference), where you’re willing to send a card to (because it’s just a card, it should be cheap to send it anywhere in the world, but if for some reason you’re restricted by location, no problem, just let me know, and I’ll match you up accordingly).

• I’ll leave this post up until 5th November to try and guilt as many people as possible into signing up so people have enough chance to see it (no pressure ;-) ). Then I’ll email everyone who’s taking part over the weekend following, and let you know who to send your card to (who you send to will be different to who sends to you – that way it will be a surprise!).

• Send your card out by 10th December (that gives us 5 weeks to get something together), and let me know when you’ve sent it by dropping me an email so I can keep tabs on where we are.

• If anyone doesn’t receive a card due to their sender forgetting, having a personal crisis possibly involving the installation of a new bathroom, or the postal service exploding, I will send you a card to replace it. So it’s a risk-free swap!

• It would be lovely if you would blog about what you receive (or send me a pic and tell me to blog about it), because I’d love to see what people get! I’ll link to all posts.

And, as a special bonus, because I have been frantically making lavender bags this weekend for my craft fair, using a sack of lavender I got from Long Barn (highly recommended – it smells amazing):

Lavender! In a sack! Smelling delicious!

I’ll draw a winner (using the random number generator) from one of the comments on this post after I close comments next Friday, and I’ll send them a couple of the lavender bags as a bonus prize. These aren’t wimpy little lavender bags that hardly smell of lavender, I want you to know:

Obviously I will trim the threads before I send them to you. Obviously

They are hardcore. The entire house is lavender-scented. They are knocking me sideways. You will like them, I promise.

OK, I think that’s everything. I hope it makes sense – if not let me know and I’ll make something up clarify ;-). Happy swapping, people. (Excited. Hope someone signs up. Eeek!).

Thinking about cards and shall we have a card swap?

I’ve been thinking a bit about sending letters and cards and things recently, after reading this post by The Gingerbread Lady and finding this blog (whose author is going to send me a letter! Isn’t that kind?), and I do think it is nice to get something handwritten occasionally, which is one of the reasons I like sending cards at Christmas (I know everyone moans about sending cards, but I like it! I like to keep in touch with people! I am a hideous Pollyanna/ Martha Stewart hybrid!).

The other time, obviously, that people used to tend to send cards was when they went on holiday, although now we can all text each other and a text does have a fighting chance of getting home before you do. I dug out my old postcard collection earlier from when I was very little, and it is nice to look back and see the kinds of things I was sent. Looking back with cynicism, it does strike me that I was perhaps encouraged to have a postcard collection by the fact that they were cheap and easy to store in a box. No wonder my diamond and mountain goat collections never got off the ground, then.

I'm not sure why this was the postcard of choice from my grandparents to me as a small child but I want you to know I am ok now, although I wish I had seen the one on the bottom left after we had done the bathroom, not before

It was a different world in which you either sent someone a postcard of an unattractive man being made faintly anxious by a scantily-clad nymphette, or you had to send them a postcard of a donkey or a parade of shops in Ingoldmells.

You might need to identify a lugworm one day. You'll thank me then

I think a gun was held to my cousin Richard’s head, or dodgem priviledges were withdrawn until he had produced a postcard to send me. (‘Draw Sue a picture, Rich! It’ll be quicker!’).

I think we visited Skegness while they were there. You'll be relieved to know the site was perfectly acceptable

These are from my grandparents on both sides. What kind of holiday would it be without a pint and a game on the slots? No kind of holiday at all. And I am glad to see the caravan site was quite clean, although I think there is a world of meaning contained in that ‘quite’, and no doubt it was expanded on when they got home. Meanwhile, Nana Mollie is roaming the streets of Oxford eating buns and causing trouble.

Anyway, you see, I have kept my postcards for years, even the ones from my mother’s French penpal who tells my mother off for not writing often enough and the ones from Grandad’s next door neighbours, Les and Lucy Lomas. It is not as easy to keep emails, so sometimes an actual physical artefact is nice. Which brings me back to Christmas cards! I was thinking it might be quite a nice idea to do a handmade Christmas card swap later this year. Would anyone be up for that? I would organise, and you know, we’re starting early so we would all have plenty of time to get something made (I am not very good at making cards so I might just be sticking a few sequins to a bit of cardboard. Bad news for my potential swap partner, I know, but good news in terms of, don’t be intimidated by standards). Let me know if that’s something you’d be interested in, and if I have any takers at all I will think about it more and do a proper sign-up post.

(Random fact of the day: bathroom fitters hate mosaic tiles. They hate them. They make them suck their teeth. Back to perusing the tile catalogue).