Retro prints

Came home from work, ate biscuits, watched The Real Housewives Of Beverley Hills, fell asleep, made a cushion

I ran 8k at the weekend and I think it has killed me

love a retro pattern, I do

sat in garden, did ironing, failed to add anything to in-progress oil painting

It's a skyline. Or, it will be

drank tea, ate more biscuits, emailed friend to see if he has completed on his flat yet because it has been an exciting saga. Now am off to make dinner (lentil curry).

I am tired and unproductive but tomorrow I will be livelier. (Until I have the root canal done. I am seeing the hygienist first which means I will have to have my mouth open for over an hour. I feel this is a situation in which you can probably provide your own joke, so I will leave you to do so).

Episode of blonde

OK, ladies, Aunty Kath who objects to the term ladies even though it is ironic, and Dan. I am having a truly, truly rotten week with my Situation, and also I have sprained my finger pole dancing (I do a routine!) and it has swollen up. And I don’t want to alarm anyone, but there was talk last night of some students possibly doing ‘a bit of a routine’ at the carnival next year, although as it stands all everyone would hear would be the squeak of my inner thighs sliding down the pole and that is not elegant. I need your advice. But first, in the spirit of sharing things that do not go well, as well as things that do, I am going to show you my first portrait in oils, completed today. It is unspeakable. Let this be an inspiration to all future portrait painters that when your first portrait in oils looks like Mr Potato Head you should not necessarily just give up and put all your paints in the bin, because I am sure my next one will be better.

Oh good Lord. Perhaps I should start with less complex living things, perhaps those guinea pigs who are hairy and look the same at both ends

You see peppers, I could do. People, they are more complicated (this is based on a Rembrandt sketch but you wouldn’t know it!). When we lined them all up at the end you have never seen such a rogue’s gallery. We could not discuss the finer points of the brushwork because we were laughing so hard, gosh they were terrible. The words ‘Colonel Gadaffi’ may have been spoken about mine but that is a rumour I will not confirm. I was not going to go to art class because I was quite miserable about my situation, but the tarot cards (I know I sound mad. I’m actually quite nice) were quite definite that I should, and they were right, because all we did was laugh and it was cheering. Also I learned a lot, so it was worth creating something a bit daft. Painting, u r difficult (a bit).

OK. Now here’s the bit I want your advice on. This is a recent picture of me, and my hair is still like this pretty much:

Happy! Terrible Rembrandt Homages still unthought of!

Now I want to go peroxide blonde. I have made an appointment for next week, I have had a consultation and the hairdresser says it will look ‘very cool’. I want to go blonde like this:

I know what this model would say to anyone who tried to put her in a situation like mine. She would say, stick your malicious vexatious lawsuit right up your bum. Can you look as good as me in red lipstick? Thought not

And although I don’t look like this model obvs, I promise if I had peroxide blonde hair I would sort out my eyebrows so I don’t look like Alastair Darling, and I will wear eye makeup (occasionally) so that it looks cool. In other words, I will dress it up. It will look fine. Won’t it? What do you think? Peroxide blonde or die (dye) and have a change and a new lease of life, or stay mousy and a bit fed up? (This isn’t a response to the miserable situation – I had rung the hairdresser before things got bad). I don’t want highlights, and I don’t want to look subtle – I want peroxide blonde or nothing. I want to look like Blondie! I want a new image! Tell me this isn’t a mistake! Partner is just about on the verge of locking me in the cupboard to stop any attempts at self-definition, because his taste in female adornment frankly makes the Amish look a bit racy, but I am fine. Because none of cupboards have locks and TBH since all the rain most of them don’t shut properly.

What do you think?

For Dan

This is just to show my brother Dan my latest painting, because he was once foolish enough to show interest, and that means he must now be spammed for the rest of his life with renderings of increasingly bizarre vegetables. I am sparing you my Study Of Asparagus In A Purple Mug thus far though, Dan, as I do not like the way I have depicted the mug, although I do like the asparagus and particularly the gold highlights which are inspired by Klimt, who is no doubt turning in his grave.

I think we only painted peppers because the teacher is fed up of me painting things purple. I could see him thinking, ha, try turning that purple, damn you. I got a bit of a purple shadow in there, though

It is my opinion that oil painting is the Best Kind Of Painting, because, it all merges together and kind of paints it with you. It is like someone is helping! The Universe? Also, if you cock it up, you can just sigh and wipe it all off with a bit of kitchen paper and then start again. I did that twice!

This painting took me about 1 1/2 hours with time for chatting and biscuits. Partner laughs at this and says paintings are supposed to take longer, and he has never known anyone churn them out like me. Then he made me watch Tony Hancock in The Rebel, and now when I show him things he says, and when will we be working on Aphrodite At The Waterhole? Well be careful Partner, because that will show you if I take up sculpture and arrive home one day with a giant rock in my bike basket. Think on.

Painting-in-progress and a new-to-me etsy shop

Just wanted to show you quickly my latest painting-in-progress.

It's the cliffs at Hunstanton! I think my many years' experience of painting woodchip-covered rooms helps

I don’t know if you know this (I didn’t before I started), but, oil paints take absolutely ages to dry, so you have to do your base coat first and then do the detail a week or so later. It’s a bit like emulsioning the kitchen and then waiting to do the glossing. So that is why it looks like a bad painting-by-numbers at the moment, it is waiting for the Fine Brushwork. If you want your paints to dry in a sensible timescale you use acrylics, but, obviously I am used to knitting things for months and then them not fitting, so a week is nothing to me. Nothing. In fact I am considering one day knitting Lyra and that may take me the rest of my life.

Slap it on! The man next to me said through gritted teeth, thin your base coats out a bit more otherwise it will crack. I said, in my lifetime? He said, no, I said, well then

While I was doing my painting, the man next to me in the art class (who has read a book) got very anxious because he said I could not paint a cliff scene with my canvas vertical, I had to paint it with my canvas horizontal as that is the only correct way to paint landscapes. He actually turned my canvas round. I said I could live with being wrong and I turned it back again. He is a nice man, though, because when the woman next to him told him his cherub looked like Bart Simpson he took it in excellent part (cherubs are difficult. Start with a cliff, that’s my advice).

We had to lean our canvases against the wall at the end of the class to discuss them, and there was not much space, so one woman leaned hers against the door. Well, we all watched carefully in case anyone was going to come through the door and knock it over (remember, they are completely wet), but, we were not watching for people in the class going out as we thought they ought to realise. Well, do you remember the woman who told me she would never knit? (No Lyra ever for her then!) - She went straight out of the door, did not move the painting so the door knocked it smack on the floor face down, and then did not even come back to check it was ok when we all let out a collective gasp (it survived, just about). If it had been my painting I might have been a bit suspicious, but, perhaps her mind is just on Higher Things. I think it must be: she is clearly a Proper Artist, as she has a smock.

Also just wanted to show you this etsy shop I found: Simply Original Frocks. She is having a half-price sale at the moment and I think she has some really nice things which you could either wear straightforwardly prettily or ironically if that makes sense, so, if you are in the market for some new threads for summer it might be worth a look. She bases her clothes on original 50s patterns and the fabrics she uses are really beautiful. Anyway, her sale is a mothers’ day sale, so, perhaps move quickly if you want something (I’m no connection, I just think her clothes look really nice!).

OK, that’s me done. I’m off to make a marmalade cake. I’ve somehow lost half an inch on my waist (may have just measured myself for possible skirt-buying purposes…) even though I’ve doubled my cake intake, so I’ve decided it’s a health food and our intake probably should be tripled so best get going. Besides, you wouldn’t believe how much marmalade is in this house, honestly, you wouldn’t.

I made stuff

A few years ago, I was in a job which was not a good situation. When I say it was not a good situation, I mean it was not a good situation in the same way that Hitler had a few unfortunate personality traits. Only, I am understating it considerably. Considerably. Anyway, one day I remembered that I had used to quite like knitting, and I thought I would have a go at making something, which might distract me, rather than my other plan, which was, banging my head repeatedly against a wall (although, that would have been better for me and would have achieved more, objectively, than my going in to work). I sourced yarn on ebay, I laboured mightily, I focused my last waning powers of creativity and concentration and I produced this.

Stress did not affect my love of tasteful subtle colours

And very useful it has been. We use it as a trivet. We used it this week to go under the macaroni cheese dish. I remembered how much effort it had cost me. I remembered the huge cognitive shift I had had to make before I had remembered that I was a person who could make things. I remembered the cotton yarn feeling stiff and unfamiliar in my fingers. I remember I made more dishcloths after this one, and I put them in a bag, thoughtfully.

It is a bit smaller than a kingsize bed. Can you see the skulls? And I had to grapple with double yarnovers. Double!

This too took a bit of concentration but, I have to say, it was less of an effort overall than the trivet/ dishcloth and that just tells me I’m in a different place now. So I thought I would show you as I now have a graphic representation of my states of mind, four years apart, and if that concept isn’t art, then I don’t know what is. (Remember, though, that knitting shouldn't be mentioned in polite company and in the proximity of proper art materials.)

I knitted the centre in the break room at work on double pointed needles, but they don't think I'm too odd to talk to (or, they pretend they don't)

I'm going to wear it, too

This was a joy to knit (I know it’s irritating when people say ‘quick easy pattern!!!’ when clearly it isn’t, but, if you like lace and you’re looking for a first circle shawl project, as I was, this is an excellent one to start with). I didn’t do a single stitch wrong until the cast off, when I discovered that the normal cast off is WAY TOO TIGHT for a circle shawl and I would have ended up with a bowl with skulls on, so I did something with a crochet hook instead, which worked great. But while I was undoing the original cast off, I am afraid to say we had a bit of swearing and muttering, and, Partner lost his nerve. No, honestly. He panicked. Oh no! He said. What if you can’t undo it! This is terrible! Now it is done he has looked at it carefully and pronounced it ‘very intricate work’. Who knew Partner was emotionally invested in knitting? This is a worrying development.

I shall say to Partner next time, look, not only could you not paint a candlestick, you could not have googled cleverly and found art classes in a random church hall to start with

And just showing you quickly my latest painting. This is a study in reflections. Partner said, sympathetically, that it was quite hard to draw things straight, and readers once again he has damned me with faint praise. The very nice art teacher asked me three times if I was quite sure I wanted a yellow background, eventually I had to look at him very seriously and say, yes. Because that is my vision, and that worked. Anyway I am doing more lace now, as I am taking part in Chrissy from Stitched Together’s KAL for her lovely lace shawl, and I have become horribly corrupted as I am doing it in silk. Yes. Silk. Gold silk. Like something from a fairy tale. A certain very bad person who I shall not name has suggested that gold is very close to beige and, frankly, that I am deluding myself, but me, I know that I am channeling Seventies Halston with my metallic neutrals and that I do not have to start buying Marks and Spencer Classic Collection yet. That’s right. I’m still young and cool (although, let’s not talk about that subscription to Gardener’s World. Let's not talk about it ever).

I won't keep doing this

As we march together along this long, paint-stained road that leads inexorably to a huge canvas of a cross-eyed labrador. (Although. While I was buying my Value white spirit in Tesco - I know - the woman on the till asked me if I was painting 'a wall or a picture', and then we had a long conversation about her grandmother who used to paint wonderful paintings but stopped when she got married in 1904. So there we go, you see, art/ craft: uniting women across generations. Get out there and be visible with your craft and remind everyone of their grannies.)

Remember when you had to take your film in to be developed? No-one took pictures of coffee then

Inspiration. This was on the coldest day so far this year. (Yes, that is instant coffee: if I drink real coffee I get overexcited). Look at the steam! Our house is always freezing. I think we have a ghost. In fact, actually I've heard him.

The perspective is not, actually, all wrong, because it is an Interpretation

Work in progress. I'm waiting for it to dry and then I'm going to do more detail and make the colours brighter (advice to aspiring artists: buy a shedload of Titanium White!).

Learning to paint with oils

OK, quick blog post (I say this then I end up rattling on forever). I did my art class.

I'm pretty sure this makes me an Artist

And do you know what? It was so much fun. I had a great time. We were doing landscapes in the style of David Hockney (the cynic in me says that is because beginners would have a better chance at doing a David Hockney landscape than, say, hyperrealism, but then again, what’s wrong with being realistic and practical about things? Excellent choice of subject, Tom the oil class teacher) and because I am always late, underprepared, slipping on ice and generally crap, I had not bought a picture of a landscape to work from. But I dug out my camera which is always on hand in case a big hairy cat walks past and vogues, and I used this one:

It is a bit dark, yes. I like a challenge

First I did a couple of sketches with oil pastels. I will say to you honestly that when an oil pastel was put into my hand and an A4 sheet of paper was placed in front of me, I felt inadequacy and fear. I think my fear is of producing something that is recognisably a drawing, but is crap, and then not knowing why it is crap so not being able to improve: just being overwhelmed by crapness and despair. I swear bad art actually hurts me physically, I am too delicate for this world. (I have identified Partner’s biggest fear, too. I have shown him these photographs I am going to show you and he said immediately: ‘promise me we will never have to do Cambridge Open Studios. People will all come and look at me.’ I don’t know if Partner has dreams where he is resitting his A-levels naked*, but obviously he fears exposure which you would not think since he is never wearing any clothes.)

And now we will draw a veil over this whole misbegotten episode

So this was my first sketch and it was indeed crap and I did not know why, and I felt sad and inadequate, especially as the woman sitting near me appeared to be producing a Constable. But I looked at it again and I thought: too much going on, composition doesn’t flow, I shall try again. So I did a simple line sketch and I felt a bit happier.

This was the Purple Ronnie of oil pastels. Oils pastels are not my metier

Then I started with my oils and a canvas and that felt much better. For those of you who may wish to have a crack, this is what I have learned so far: you only need to buy (no, I know, thrifty oil painting, I am so predictable), titanium white and some primary colours (blue, red, green, yellow) as you can mix colours from that (I used for my painting blue, white, purple, yellow, green and brown and various mixes thereof). You can apparently get cheap canvases from The Works although also check your local friendly art store (I don’t just say this because I work in one) as they will have a range (and will cater to students so they won’t all be expensive. The words to use are ‘student quality oils’). Oil paints are not cheap, though, so, I don’t know, start off by painting a ladybird? Or a zebra? Anyway, this is where I ended up at the end of today (this is just the background and some tree trunks, I will put the detail in next lesson).

No cross-eyed labradors. I'm going to put branches on the trees and everything

I wouldn’t say it was good, exactly, but I don’t think it is unspeakable and I am not ashamed. Also I can face finishing it. For the next lesson I am going to get some of my own paints, and I may also get a small canvas and have a bit of a go on my own beforehand, I shall see how I go. Could this be a new way to disguise the woodchip? We will see.

* Partner has just walked past and told me that he has got A-levels in Latin, Greek, Ancient History, and Latin Verse Composition. You see at my school they encouraged you to be well-rounded, but at Partner’s clearly they didn’t.