Just while I'm on a roll

I'll show you my scarf/ wrap thing I finished recently, too:

If you ignore the manky drainpipe on the left and look at the red thing, that is the rose round my kitchen window

It's Echo Beach by Kieran Foley.

I thought it was a great, inventive pattern and the end result is very effective: but gosh was it boring to knit. In my ongoing quest to achieve Zen, which I have to say to you I am not sure is succeeding (especially after the time at yoga where they made me meditate for half an hour holding someone's hand and I thought I might punch someone), I am trying to be a process knitter and not a product one as I am trying to Be In The Moment. Finishing this thing was the wrong time, however, to decide to Be In The Moment, as it is made of Noro Sekku, which, as I have indicated before, is a yarn spun by the Devil and all his little Minions in the Fiery Pits of Hell. So I cannot pretend to you that this thing made me a process knitter. It did not. I may even have thought at one point, hmm, you can buy wraps on the market...

I consulted with Partner about whether I should bind off early or continue to suffer and he said, cast that thing off. So I did, so it is a bit short but fine, and I am sticking to Blue Faced Leicester laceweight for the moment and knitting something by Boo Knits which is a lot more fun. Indeed, it is so much fun that when I have finished it I am giving it to Christine at work and she is going to auction it in a way I do not entirely understand and the money will go to the Teenage Cancer Trust. And if it only makes 50p I shall obviously be furious and then I shall go and start threads on Ravelry called things like, My Knitting Has Been Undervalued!

Sekku. I swore at every stitch

Anyway. Echo Beach by Kieran Foley (2 dropped-stitch version) and I do love his patterns - a modern reinterpretation of lace - so I am sure I will be taking up the yoke again at some point.

(Completely ridiculous that we get the first hot day for 4 years and I spend it sitting inside crocheting and blogging and drinking tea. Anyway. At least I am able to do it in a vest!)

Noro striped scarf and hotch-potch beanbag

Just to show you quickly a couple of things I actually managed to finish (still having trouble finishing things. Partner says this is because I go out too much and should stay in every evening and listen to him chatting to me about the problems he has had with the buses. Because apparently sometimes you can be waiting for half an hour - and then three come along at once!).

Often we find Partner lurching towards that bookshelf, muttering, oh bloody hell I shall have to look in Lewis and Short

I styled this photo and put the fibre optic lamp on and everything, I do appreciate we're still a few steps away from Apartment Therapy. This is the Amy Butler Gum Drop Pillow pattern (larger version), modified only slightly to make it more patchwork-y (I cut the main pieces in half, adding a seam allowance to use two different fabrics).

You name one single thing that's more stylish than a fibre-optic lamp. I knew you couldn't

Actually it is since I filled this beanbag with the appropriate beanbag balls that I have been Statically Supercharged so let that be a warning to you (thank you Lucy for the paperclip info, I will actually try it next week. Things have been so bad I have been having to wear my pole dancing shoes to work in case it is the soles of my shoes that are the problem, so now I am wandering about with pole dancing shoes and pink hair in a job where we deal with major corporate donors, I am taking bets on whether they renew my contract at the end of the month).

I don't know why I can't get more excited about this. It's woolly! It's full of mad colours! It's got all my trigger points! I think I'm just fed up of anything that reminds me of winter

And this is just the Noro Stripy Scarf, pattern here - I am reasonably happy with it but I just find Noro a bit challenging. I think I shall have a bit of a break from Noro.

I don't know how to deal with my finishing-things problems. I think what I will do, is, I will go to Hobbycraft later and buy some cheap acrylic and crochet a cushion of such easiness and boringness that I can do it on autopilot while I am doing other things. Because, you can always use another cushion, can't you? (Or actually, I might have a go at this - it doesn't look impossible, does it?),

And one more thing - I wondered if you had seen this craft book/ magazine review on the Guardian website? I have the book reviewed in the middle, Granny Chic (got it in The Works! Bargain!) - I like it for inspiration, there are some nice ideas and pictures, and I've looked at the authors' blogs and I actually quite like them as well. However I am glad this woman has said this because now I feel less like an evil bitter old mare saying what I am going to say: there is a strand in craft writing which is cutesy, twee, and escapist, and I find it difficult in large quantities.

Dan drew this! Isn't it good? The spire is intentionally crooked because it is Chesterfield and the devil sat on it

I mean, we all have our cutesy and twee moments, don't we - I visited a ginger kitten last week and sat cooing at him for an hour going 'look at you! look at your big pointy ears!!' in a way that was possibly not wildly edifying to witness - and I'm not sure I'd like someone picking my verbal mannerisms apart generally, but honestly sometimes I read things and I feel like wearing black, curling my lip, smoking a gauloise and muttering, do you people not realise this world is also filled with Passion and Death and Complexity and Pain? In the spirit of that, I shall make the following confessions to you. 1/ at least 70% of the time when I look at something vintage I think yes, but will that actually work/ last, I would rather have a nice new functional one from Ikea, John Lewis or Argos, and 2/ I have never knowingly used the word 'yummy' about anything that isn't actually food. There. I understand now if I wake up tomorrow morning to only one follower.

Last thing - my family read this blog and like to keep tabs and make fun of the things I do - so for them I state the following information. I have bought a Groupon for horseriding lessons. Have at it, family.

Taking stock of life and deciding to knit something (and sew something as well)

You remember I had a thing I was miserable about? Over it. No, really. It isn’t over (it will never be over!!!) but do you know, you get to a point where you think, we’ve laughed, we’ve hugged, we’ve cried, we’ve had catharsis, we’ve had lager, I’ve texted apologies for the texts I sent when I’d had the lager, we’re done. So there we are, the Situation is ongoing and I shall update briefly when I am in front of the House of Lords in ten years’ time or as soon as we make the Telegraph, but, I am not miserable any more.

I strongly suspect you of photographing me and thus I shall fix you with a disapproving glare

Partner is happy, as Partner spent a large part of the early months of this year standing over me like a Victorian patriarch in a melodrama, beard blowing in the draft from our inadequate central heating, shouting ‘this is not worth a single tear of yours! You have done nothing wrong! Get up NOW and get a solicitor!’ as I huddled sobbing under the duvet.

I have some actual serious advice for anyone reading this who is at the huddling sobbing under the duvet no-one-can-ever-help-me stage, so listen up briefly and then I shall show you the knitting: ring the Samaritans. It helps. I do not know how it helps, as what happens is you cry and they are sympathetic in an appropriate way, but it does. And you can sometimes get legal advice and help (right up to the providing-a-barrister stage) for free under your house and possibly car insurance, but, check the terms. I tell you these things because you may not have Partner with flowing beard standing over you in a crisis, so I have distilled there the essence of what you must do. Remember.

I just sometimes wonder what people are going to do with it when I sell them spray paint

Anyway, so here I am and I look around me and I think, gosh, I did not think I would get this far but now I have I should probably do something, perhaps I should start by sewing up some of this fabric, I don’t know.

I don't iron it before I cut it, no

I have no clue how I even acquired some of this fabric. Some of it had John Lewis labels on so I suppose that solves part of the mystery but when did I buy it? The only thing I can think of is that in times of distress I must dissassociate mentally and trot off and buy fat quarters. If you are in Cambridge and you see me ambling off towards CallyCo or John Lewis with an empty bag and a vacant expression come up to me, wave your hand in front of my eyes and say, Susie! Credit Card Bill! Stop It! And hopefully that will stop the ridiculous fabric pile from becoming any bigger. Make sure I don’t just turn round and wander off towards wool, though. Anyway, I am making an Amy Butler Gum Drop Pillow with these and I am particularly looking forward to stuffing it with bean bag beans, if anyone knows a way of doing this where I will not end up with them sticking to my entire body with static like last time let me know.

I am doing it without stitchmarkers. Scary

This is the Shawl Of Guilt, I feel bad about this. I started a knitalong with this shawl which is a very beautiful pattern from Chrissy of Stitched Together and I kind of dropped out because I had no mental capacity for knitting. Anyway, I could not forget the pattern, and I wanted the shawl, so I have started it again and I am on the last chart, somehow my mental capacity came back. Lace scares me a bit: sometimes it will not Get Knit however hard you try, sometimes it almost knits itself, it makes me think of the Fates and their thread. Anyway, this time I am hopeful. I think it will be pretty when it is done.

I keep having to buy new needles because I keep sitting on them

And a boring rainbow sock. I am Using Up Stuff, and this wool is part of the Stuff I am Using Up. I say I am Using Up Stuff: I am going to make a small exception, as I am going to buy some new wool to knit something for Dan. I am going to knit something, and in return Dan is going to do an open mic night with me. Yes, I think I will soon be ready: I can force my way through Where Did You Sleep Last Night, I have my post feminist deconstructed backing for Jolene and I have written new lyrics. Dan’s end of the bargain will involve him dealing with my inevitable hyperventilation and downing of Stella just as we are about to go on, and suppressing his winces every time I miss the change to B7: mine just involves possibily a bit of colourwork. I shall look for a suitable pattern.

I went on a trapeze at the weekend. I was really, really scared. I shall probably try it again, though.

In My Hands

When I was younger (in those innocent halcyon days) I only ever thought of my hands in terms of whether or not they were attractive and if any of my nails were broken, which was obviously a disaster of epic proportions, oh the naivety of youth. Nowadays I am much, much more paranoid about my hands, but I do not care any more what they look like, in fact I would not care if they suddenly became green and hairy (well, I suppose I might a bit). No: I am paranoid about getting cuts, burns or other injuries, as I am always doing so much with my hands that it is just so inconvenient to have them out of action. The other night there was a bit of an injudicious moment with a piece of hot aubergine and I was completely furious with myself, but luckily I have no blisters (not as bad as the time I put my finger in hot fudge. Don’t ever do this. Learn from my mistakes).

OK so I bleached my hair so I look the part, but it turns out you actually have to practice your chord changes as well. So bourgeois

These are my roughened and calloused fingertips from playing the guitar. I do not know if my guitar just fights back more than other people’s, but, I get actual string indentations in my fingers which last for days. The fingertip issue is my least favourite thing about guitar playing (it’s going very well, thank you for asking). I find it strange and creepy having reduced feeling in the fingers of my left hand. Actually, if I stopped to think about it too much, I might panic and run around the house squawking. Also, I do not know how this can be and I am sure I must be wrong, but, it does not seem to me that there can be many people who both play guitar and knit lace out of laceweight silk, because, when you knit lace with very thin slippy yarn you kind of have to flick the yarnovers with your left hand sometimes to separate them out as they get mixed up on the needle (do you know what I mean?), and, this is more difficult to do when your left hand fingertips are knackered and a bit numb, as are mine. I feel if this were a common problem there would be some kind of a product for it. At work we have a Special Rubber Knobbly Finger Thing for when we are counting out sheets of thin paper. Perhaps something like this would be a good idea, but then, I don’t know how I would get it to stay on, so perhaps I will leave the Special Rubber Knobbly Finger Thing in its Special Place behind the till.

Note to self, next time use more dry talc as hot skin on metal does not go well. I bet this kind of thing never happened to Anastasia

Blister from pole dancing: I took the top level of skin off. I have bruises as well, all over my knees and down the insides of my legs. I have been trying to get a good photograph for you but frankly I started to think that was a little odd, so I’m afraid you will just have to imagine. I recently found myself considering ways to ‘improve my upper body strength’ and pricing up – wait for it – gym memberships??!!!! (fyi, the YMCA seems to be relatively affordable although I stress the relatively - £10 a month?) as I had a vision of myself toning my biceps using some kind of a machine and then being able to hang upside down effortlessly from my pole. That sentence just there is top of my list of Things I Did Not Think I Would Ever Write. Readers, I am frightened: what if pole dancing is The Sport For Me? That would be crap, wouldn’t it? That would be far worse than falling in love with someone you shouldn’t fall in love with (as the song goes), because, experience tell me that I should not in any way underestimate my ability to domesticate & indeed render monogomous even someone utterly unpromising, but, I do certainly doubt my ability to fit a pole to the ceiling joist of our living room. In fact, the rooms in our house may literally not be wide enough to swing a cat in so what that says for me swinging round a pole with legs extended I leave to your imagination. I may go and google boxercise classes instead as this whole pole thing may be one of those things that do not end well. Anyway off to the pub to ponder these things further.

Out in the world in my Fairysteps shoes (fairysteps.co.uk) with the green laces. So comfy! I want a pair of the boots for winter but will have to rob a bank first! Don't worry though, I'll make sure I go for Barclays!

(It costs £150 for a pole. I do the research, so you don’t have to. You’d probably have to get someone to fit it, though. Good luck explaining that to a carpenter).

I knit a bit as well

You drop the stitches. It will look very cool. I have spoken. It is biased because of the terrible Sekku which I must repeat, you must never buy, leave it for fools like me

Echo beach (or a bit of). Yes. I am the fool who bought Noro Sekku twice, in fact I am probably the only person in the world who has been suckered in more than once. After this I am going to go and slam my hand in a door and write letters to the Daily Mail as both these things would be more productive and less masochistic.

Not even just a pansy but a pale pansy as well! Next time I would like a tulip. Thank you very much

Pansies. Kudos to Tom Art Teacher for finding the one flower in the world I have absolutely no interest in painting, but it is good to challenge yourself, says she through gritted teeth. I like a proper big bold flower, I do. Pansies, meh. I produced something a bit pretty, it threw me.

Yay charcoal! Charcoal is the best and it costs like NO MONEY! I only copied this from a photograph, but I am now on the look out for someone with lots of wrinkles who might wish to pose for me

Very quick charcoal sketch. We now have charcoal all over the kitchen table, all up my arms and on the end of my nose, it is actually worse than procion dyes. It says in my art book charcoal was very popular in the sixties which is good enough for me, I imagine they put down their patchouli, detached themselves from the orgy and trotted off to produce a few bold sketches. I copied this from a photograph but I am venturing into life drawing next week, in fact I am going to email a contact now. I may not be good at drawing but I am astonishingly quick, I am like Rolf Harris. This is because I am so used to knitting and quilting where things take months and there is no use messing about, you have to get on with things. I am expecting therefore at the life drawing class to have finished in five minutes, and then to spend the rest of the time feeding the model biscuits and perhaps doing a bit of light hoovering or dusting of easels.

Right. Cup of tea, stuff to do. For those of us who may be reading from Chesterfield, I have googled and there is an art supply shop on Cavendish street, I put this out there merely for information...

I made stuff

A few years ago, I was in a job which was not a good situation. When I say it was not a good situation, I mean it was not a good situation in the same way that Hitler had a few unfortunate personality traits. Only, I am understating it considerably. Considerably. Anyway, one day I remembered that I had used to quite like knitting, and I thought I would have a go at making something, which might distract me, rather than my other plan, which was, banging my head repeatedly against a wall (although, that would have been better for me and would have achieved more, objectively, than my going in to work). I sourced yarn on ebay, I laboured mightily, I focused my last waning powers of creativity and concentration and I produced this.

Stress did not affect my love of tasteful subtle colours

And very useful it has been. We use it as a trivet. We used it this week to go under the macaroni cheese dish. I remembered how much effort it had cost me. I remembered the huge cognitive shift I had had to make before I had remembered that I was a person who could make things. I remembered the cotton yarn feeling stiff and unfamiliar in my fingers. I remember I made more dishcloths after this one, and I put them in a bag, thoughtfully.

It is a bit smaller than a kingsize bed. Can you see the skulls? And I had to grapple with double yarnovers. Double!

This too took a bit of concentration but, I have to say, it was less of an effort overall than the trivet/ dishcloth and that just tells me I’m in a different place now. So I thought I would show you as I now have a graphic representation of my states of mind, four years apart, and if that concept isn’t art, then I don’t know what is. (Remember, though, that knitting shouldn't be mentioned in polite company and in the proximity of proper art materials.)

I knitted the centre in the break room at work on double pointed needles, but they don't think I'm too odd to talk to (or, they pretend they don't)

I'm going to wear it, too

This was a joy to knit (I know it’s irritating when people say ‘quick easy pattern!!!’ when clearly it isn’t, but, if you like lace and you’re looking for a first circle shawl project, as I was, this is an excellent one to start with). I didn’t do a single stitch wrong until the cast off, when I discovered that the normal cast off is WAY TOO TIGHT for a circle shawl and I would have ended up with a bowl with skulls on, so I did something with a crochet hook instead, which worked great. But while I was undoing the original cast off, I am afraid to say we had a bit of swearing and muttering, and, Partner lost his nerve. No, honestly. He panicked. Oh no! He said. What if you can’t undo it! This is terrible! Now it is done he has looked at it carefully and pronounced it ‘very intricate work’. Who knew Partner was emotionally invested in knitting? This is a worrying development.

I shall say to Partner next time, look, not only could you not paint a candlestick, you could not have googled cleverly and found art classes in a random church hall to start with

And just showing you quickly my latest painting. This is a study in reflections. Partner said, sympathetically, that it was quite hard to draw things straight, and readers once again he has damned me with faint praise. The very nice art teacher asked me three times if I was quite sure I wanted a yellow background, eventually I had to look at him very seriously and say, yes. Because that is my vision, and that worked. Anyway I am doing more lace now, as I am taking part in Chrissy from Stitched Together’s KAL for her lovely lace shawl, and I have become horribly corrupted as I am doing it in silk. Yes. Silk. Gold silk. Like something from a fairy tale. A certain very bad person who I shall not name has suggested that gold is very close to beige and, frankly, that I am deluding myself, but me, I know that I am channeling Seventies Halston with my metallic neutrals and that I do not have to start buying Marks and Spencer Classic Collection yet. That’s right. I’m still young and cool (although, let’s not talk about that subscription to Gardener’s World. Let's not talk about it ever).

I have almost finished my shawl

And yet, because it is a circular shawl, all I can show you is a slightly bigger white lump.

I cross out my completed rows in a mad obsessive manner carefully

And, not even that much bigger. Because, as it is a circular shawl, you finish the middle bit quickly and then the edging essentially takes you The Rest Of Your Life. You labour and slave for days and nights, heedless of the passage of time, heedless of the play of clouds, sunshine and shadow, outside your neglected window. Your hair grows. The skin under your eyes darkens. Cross-eyed and frantic, you sit with your fingers working independently of your conscious mind, your body twitching frenetically. Lo! You have knitted a row and added a mm to the diameter of your shawl.

When people say to me, gosh, knitting, I am not sure I would have the patience, do you know what I say? I say, yes, I agree, I am not sure I have the patience either, I shall give up the whole thing and do something easier. Indeed: come on, Andrew Lansley, bring me your white paper or your green paper or whatever it is, I am sure I can draft you out something that will be acceptable to the BMA, Nick Clegg, that woman who told you off, hardline conservatives and popular opinion as evidenced in the Daily Mail and Loose Women, and it will only take me half an hour before dinner and will be easier than knitting this damn shawl.

Entirely hypothetically, if I ever wanted to think about collecting 2 skeins of different-coloured sock yarns to knit a Cladonia at some possible point in the future, does anyone have any ideas about where might be a good place to look?

When the things you make have more exciting lives than you do

Happy Monday! (Says she, brightly). Before I go out to try to start the *^%^%^& car and swear impotently, because, as you will have intuited, my life is non-stop glamour, just wanted to say a big thank you to AC Engineered Knits for showing my rainbow bag that she bought on her blog. It’s a funny feeling (in a good way) to see your things popping up in other places. You feel like saying, hey you rainbow bag, what are you doing over there with your new horizons. Anyway, thank you AC, I am delighted. Also wanted to show you my skirt I made from recycled tshirts:

Not naff. What could you sew, Partner? Nothing

Partner has just wandered past this and called it ‘wonderfully naff’. Partner has no proper comprehension of the Recycled Garment Revolution. I made it from tshirts I got from local charity shops and it’s constructed with kind of a-line panels and godets (I made the pattern, that’s why I sound a bit vague. I never know what you’re supposed to call things). I’m thinking the same shape in different weights of fabric might look interesting. I’m even wondering about felted wool. I shall have to go back and have another look in the hens’ teeth section.

Always use stitch markers. That's my advice. If only there were Stitch Markers For Life

And this is my shawl I am (still) making (arsenic and old lace). You can’t see anything: all you’re going to be able to see until I finish it is slightly bigger white lumps on a needle. I’m up to the teeth of the skull, and, because I Just Don’t Like long rows it’s a bit of a challenge (only psychologically), but I shall definitely finish it (says she, grimly). One thing I will say: if you’re thinking of doing a circular shawl but you’re worried they’re too difficult (I mean, you might also be worried you haven’t got a million hours of your life to spend on one but let’s pretend that’s not a problem), this is an excellent one to start with. I haven’t found any errors in the pattern so far, it’s well explained and intuitive (just pay attention to the bit about moving stitchmarkers – that’s the only place I really cocked it up so far).

This is the chin and teeth of the skull. I can't understand how I can be a person who enjoys something as fiddly as knitting lace. I am having to readjust my self-image

Circular shawls aren’t difficult, but the bit on double pointed needles at the beginning is a bit of a faff, because nupps on dpns and yarnovers inbetween needles is fiddly (if you’re a diehard magic looper it might all be much better for you: just start off on a 100cm needle perhaps and gradually your stitches will fill it? I don’t know). Anyway, I press on, and I’ve worked out that if I do a couple of rows a day I’ll have it done in a month. So everyone give a shout on 13th March and hopefully I should be able to proudly display a giant impractical shawl with skulls on. Skulls on! I’m going through my second adolescence.

(Hopefully it’s better than the first one, though. One word: Bros. In fact, two words: Bros. Acne).

Frankenknits

I'm not going to suggest to you that I think this is pretty.

Actually I do think this bit is quite pretty, it's the rest of it that's questionable

But it is the first Finished Thing (TM) of 2012, so I'm putting it on here. I seem to find myself, readers, with a bit of a stash of yarn that has built up, mostly leftovers from projects, stuff that was misconceived, that kind of thing. And I hate having leftover yarn hanging about in bags! Hate it! So, in an occasional series of Frankenknits, I shall try and use it up over this year in useful objects. Because, this shawl may look bright and mad to you now

OK, yeah, but, imagine this: hot night with a breeze, outside an expensive restaurant, white vest top, tasteful gold jewellery, silk palazzos. Better? And now I've got the shawl, I just need the rest of it

But I think it will be useful in summer for sitting outside (in fact, if you remember my post on how to wear shawls, I am envisaging this shawl in the first of these scenarios). In any case, it is more useful as a shawl than it was in the partial skeins of Kureyon Sock and sock and mitten that didn't quite work and which I have unravelled. And there is enough left to go in a pair of Frankenknit socks at a later date. Go Frankenknits! Where normal aesthetic rules do not apply and Thrift is our watchword! Like the turkey leftovers of knitting!

(Pattern is the Holden Shawlette - it's free, and very easy, good if you want a first lace project and also simple enough that it won't look too mad with variegated yarn - I did a couple (2) more repeats of the lace pattern, and I think this is a decent size shawl).

OK, off to pick up the dustbins. It's windy! Is it windy where you are?

Here Be Dragones

Picture heavy - apologies for those of you on slow computers like me!

Partner and I are back from the wilds of Rural Derbyshire where we have been visiting my family.

The genuine Bakewell Pudding is a bit of a shock if you're not used to it. I've existed solely on refined sugar since the middle of November so I'm fine

We stayed in a very nice B+B down the most unspeakable road I have ever encountered. I am a city driver right to the bone: I can park in tiny places, I can gesture at taxi drivers, I can navigate a one way system, I can do U-turns on a pin and I can do emergency stops when big fluffy cats decide to wander across the road aimlessly. I do, however, like there to be flat tarmac, a line down the middle of the road, and lights (you know, every mile or so). Our B+B was across a moor. Apparently 5 minutes from my parents’ house and the whole thing turns into Wuthering Heights, who knew. Luckily Partner (who does not drive) was able to keep up a helpful and encouraging commentary during our slightly tense journeys, which were made even more exciting by my having a sinus infection which brought on a migraine and meant I could not see properly. ‘It’s all fine, Susie! I don’t know where we are but we can’t have gone far wrong! Gosh that fog came on rather suddenly didn’t it, perhaps put your fog lights on? Oh, they are on. No, it’s fine, I can see at least a foot in front, keep going – look, it’s lifted a bit! Now I can see a 50 foot drop on this side, ooh, that’s pretty – no, don’t worry, there’s a small dry stone wall here so you’d hit that before you went over, and I don’t think 50 feet would kill us anyway – oh, ok, there’s no wall here and it is quite sheer, just keep over that side a bit, you’re absolutely fine – look, it’s the fog again! Do you know, I don’t think it is fog, I think we’re actually driving through a cloud!’ Sympathetic face: ‘You seem a little bit tense, Susie – are you alright? Now, come on. It’s not as bad as that time we got lost in Suffolk’. (Actually it wasn’t as bad as that time we got lost in Suffolk. I thought I might never get out of Suffolk).

A cloud on a hill. It looks pretty now, imagine driving through it at midnight when your navigator's hyped up on Homity Pie

Anyway, I have unclenched now (almost), and I am going to show you my Stuff I Made before I move on with the new year. I have a list of Stuff I Am Going to Make in 2012 but I will reveal that later (I mean, don’t lose sleep. I just enjoy making lists). Now, in this after-Christmas time of year, normally there are slews of people on message boards whose Homemade Gifts Have Been Dissed. This serves as a pairing to all the articles we get before Christmas about How You Should Not Make Homemade Gifts Because They Are Crap And Cheap And No-one Wants Them. Perhaps the former recipients write the latter articles, I do not know. However, I am very sorry to disappoint anyone who was hoping for some scandal, because, everyone was very nice about my homemade things and I think they liked them! So, thank you family for being open minded and not making me have to do a blog post about How Handmade Is Not Always Appreciated (hmm. Connection?), even when I presented you with glittery fudge. This is what I made:

Look, I hadn't pulled it straight. I was knackered

Can ya tell what it is yet? It's a graphic equalizer!

Dan’s crocheted throw, using this pattern from The Gingerbread Lady. It's a graphic equalizer! It's ironic retro cool! In crochet! Readers, this damn near killed me. It was not the crocheting, it was not the sewing together: it was the black yarn. If I ever do anything in black again, I will do it in July, or, I will do it when we have paid an electrician to wire up high-intensity halogen spotlights which will all be trained on me while I sit on the sofa crocheting and watching repeats of The Big Bang Theory (please all go and watch The Big Bang Theory if you haven’t seen it already. I keep asking Partner if he has ever met anyone who later went on to write American comedy because Sheldon is so like him, and he says, no, but he is a bit worried about one of the characters in The Archers).

Look how nice and soft it looks, like the ears of a friendly Husky

Aunty Maureen’s candle flame cowl, ends woven in, go me with my tubular bindoff and cast on, go me x 100.

Socks to wear while feeding chickens or chasing Ginger Cat round the back of the radiator

Aunty Kath’s colourful Noro socks. Aunty Kath says she is going to have a pedicure before she wears the socks, tell her she does not need to bother! (Also, Aunty Kath, forgot to say: wash on a wool wash, dry on the radiator).

Come on Kirstie Allsopp, let's see you make some mittens with gnomes on them, lady

Pixie hat and mittens for Dad. Pixie theme for reasons we will not go into,

With recycled buttons. Never let me see you throw away a button! Hoarders be damned!

And cabled socks for mum (mum, you will have to handwash these, sorry).

++ I made little food hampers with blackberry vodka, chutneys, coconut ice, and glittery fudge, which was useful, because when we were driving backwards and forwards Over The Wild Moor, I was reassured that if we broke down we would be able to survive for a week although we might have had a bit of a sugar rush and been quite drunk. But now we look ahead to 2012. What will it bring? (Apart from the credit card bill?). Will it bring crafting success, money, the ability to do a provisional cast on, the ability to thread my overlocker without tears and the aid of Pat from Sew Creative down the road? Or will it bring miles of black acrylic and despair? Which will it be?

Onwards, onwards into 2012, and let us find out!

Contains artificial colours. Hooray

Oh hooray, it is after Christmas and now I can actually start SHOWING YOU the things I make again, rather than just referring to them obliquely (although, all the mad things I was knitting/ crocheting? I don’t actually give them till New Year. So in the New Year we will do a big post where I show you everything, then we will move on emotionally and I will never mention it again, especially the granny square project after which I am considering counselling. Receiving, not giving). Hope you all had a lovely Christmas – we did, thank you very much, and I have eaten possibly my own weight in Christmas pudding (I think I am the only person in the world who actively likes Christmas pudding). Also I pulled a cracker and got a mini compass and I am delighted, as now I have discovered that when I watch TV I am facing True North. I wonder what that means in terms of Feng Shui?

Anyway. I made coconut ice. I made this because my mum likes it, so I thought at least it would have one fan. I knew though if I made it I would end up with a vat of it and it would take up all of the fridge, and thus it proved.

I fear I am exposing my lack of good fridge management

But I think it looks rather attractive.

It's actually rather nice. Probably because it's made almost entirely of SUGAR

You are probably thinking, how has Susie got it to be that attractive pink colour? Surely it must be through some kind of organic, natural means, possibly involving distilling essence of beetroot, or stewing plums, or combining cinnamon and turmeric or something similar?

You can see where I cut my finger. That's because our breadknife is so blunt I have to practically stand hitting the loaf with it and sometimes it gets me on the rebound

I am worried I am going down a bad path, as you can buy these paste food colourings for about £2.59 in Hobbycraft, and they give you a wonderful, intense colour. It is a far cry from having to mess about with a tiny bottle of cochineal, just a few drops of this and you get a proper, decent pink. Also they sell all sorts of unusual colours like turquoise and orange. I am sure they are very bad for you. But look at the nice pink! Think of the dramatic things you could make! (Bad path. Stop me now).

And I made a cowl for Aunty Maureen. I am 99.99% sure Aunty Maureen does not read my blog, but, Aunty Maureen, just in case you have a laptop of which I was previously unaware, please look away now, thank you.

I'll weave the ends in before I give it to her, it won't come with a bodkin attached

This is the candle flame cowl, and is a free pattern on Ravelry, here (easy, quick knit, doesn’t use much yarn, recommended!). I made it from some Malabrigo Worsted which I bought and knitted earlier in the year (it was a shrug), but, the shrug made me look truly terrible, so I decided to unravel it and use it for presents. I learned tubular cast-on and cast-off for this project (you could just do a normal one though if you wanted), so I felt that someone ought to come round to my house and present me with a knitting medal when I had done. In case you are ever tempted to try tubular cast-on and cast-off: for some reason, when you are transitioning from 2x2 to 1x1 rib (i.e. when casting off), you have to twist the stitches the other way (by picking from the front) to when you are going from 1x1 to 2x2 (i.e. when casting on, when you twist by picking from the back). That means nothing to you now, but wait, if you ever do tubular anything you will encounter the same problem I did and then you will think, wait, didn’t I read something about this at some point? On that blog where she clearly has no idea of proper fridge management and is harassed by cats and Hare Krishnas? Unless you are an expert already in which you will have read that and thought, God, she knows nothing. That is obvious.

Close up of stitch pattern. Nerd = me.

Anyway I do not know if Aunty Maureen will like it, but at least it will be an additional layer of warmth for when she is roaming in the early mornings, walking Jasper The Very Wiry-Haired Dog. So I am sure it will come in useful. And what more could one ask of a present? (Considers coconut ice, thoughtfully).

Throws I love

OK (gathers thoughts). So, first, I wanted to say, thank you in particular all for the lovely thoughtful comments on my last post, I really enjoyed reading them. I sometimes think we have reached a critical tipping point on this blog and now the comments are better than my posts, unfortunately for you all though this does not put me off, and you will have to put up with my ramblings about cats (and what a cat I have for you today) and the black squirrel for a while yet. Secondly, my poor brother Dan has got a bad tooth and his face has swelled right up, this is what I can gather from talking to my mother although I cannot hear her very well as she has labyrinthitis and can only put me on speakerphone as if she puts the phone near her ear it makes her dizzy and she falls over. So could we all shout together, Dan, get well soon. Thank you.

Readers, I have throws on my mind, and in my perambulations around the internet I have found a couple of really pretty ones which I wanted to show you. Thank you to all the people I bothered who have given me permission to show their throws! I have a slight ulterior motive which I will declare now, and it is, that all these throws I am going to show you would look fabulous if you made them in Stylecraft Special DK. So if you have spent all your money on Christmas, not been thrifty like me (oh, ha ha) and unravelled things to knit socks for your mother, rest assured you are only about £25 + cost of pattern off from being able to produce something enormous, bright, and utterly, utterly unique (and possibly cheaper if you buy it from here or are cunning). And Stylecraft Special DK is always the same colour wherever you get it from, so you could spread the cost over the year, or, £2 a month! (Stylecraft don’t pay me. I just like it. The colours are so intense they glow. Look, you know me and subtlety).

First, a throw by that Dominatrix of Modular Crochet, the Gingerbread Lady. Pattern here.

Photo by the Gingerbread Lady. I want a sexy stone wall to drape things on (I wonder if they'd arrest me if I draped my stuff over one of the colleges? I wonder if I'd be got by a Proctor?)

Realta means star in Gaelic, and I think this throw is stunning. Let me just advise you from current bitter experience that if you are going to join black crocheted bits together, I would do it in July’s bright sunshine, not the half hour we get in December (7 rows down. 5 to go). Not only am I in awe of the Gingerbread Lady’s pattern writing and colour combining ability, I am also in awe of her eyesight. I think this is the kind of throw where you could really play with colour combinations and backgrounds.

My next is a free pattern, from Tangled magazine, which I had never heard of but is definitely worth a look: Bullseye. Lovechild’s is my favourite version (and thanks to Lovechild for permission to use the photos). I just love the way she’s used the colours on the grey background, it really sets them off:

I actually really like that headboard as well

And so does a certain other creature, proving again my law that where a huge complex crocheted/ knitted item is, there will a cat be. This cat is called Mr Darcy, and with this picture and that information I feel Lovechild has essentially won the internet.

It is a truth commonly acknowledged that a cat in possession of a hugely furry underbelly must be in want of a crocheted throw

I loved this version of the Sunflower Afghan – I think this is an absolutely beautiful throw.

Partner has instructions to stop me ever crocheting a throw again. Every time I show him a pattern for anything he looks nervous and says, but would you have to crochet squares?

I am not an advanced crocheter, but this is on my list for if I wake up some time next year and think, hey, I have not embarked on a ridiculously huge epic project for a while (look, this is going to happen, indeed it will probably happen around March). This is KaliKong’s project (and thanks, KaliKong, for permission to use your photo) and I am very jealous of it! Pattern is here. I could also see this in really seventies-style oranges, browns and beiges.

Now let me show you a throw from a duo whose designs I really admire, and if you have not looked at their other designs please go and look now, gasp, and then return. This is by Pat from Woolly Thoughts, and their website is here (and here are some more Woolly Thoughts illusion designs on Ravelry).

I want this throw and I also want an empty room with tiles

This is the loveheart throw. (Do you have lovehearts in America?). It’s an illusion knit, so, if you look at it full on you don’t see the pattern but if you look at it askance you do. I have dipped my toes into the waters of illusion knitting in the past (the alien illusion scarf from Stitch 'n Bitch) and, although the patterns are complex, the actual knitting is not difficult so long as you don’t mind following a chart (I love a chart). So this throw would be very doable. I couldn’t resist showing you another Woolly Thoughts design, this time by Steve, although it is not strictly a throw (a small throw perhaps? Or knit a big border?) – the Marilyn Monroe illusion.

Knit your own picture! I think this is great

Isn’t that just amazing? I love this pattern (pattern here) and it’s on my list of things to get when I have a bit of spare knitting time (I would do a cushion to start with). Not to bang my drum, but I actually think a really bright neon colour of Stylecraft Special DK would work particularly well with this. In fact, I believe that if Andy Warhol were around today and had taken up knitting, Stylecraft Special DK is what he would be using. Indeed, I am sure of it. I hope that encourages you.

What are your favourite throws?

(I am thinking now, Partner is actually a fellow of a college, I wonder if we could just nip up when I have sewn my epic thing together and drape it over their walls for a few artistic photographs? They have got some nice walls. It is not as if he is much trouble generally, he does not go to high table or bother the porters unduly. I may broach that one when Partner has opened his Chardonnay. I would be like Kaffe Fassett with his quilts but with slightly more dubious legality).

Secret Stuff for Christmas

OK, first things first. I seem to be on a lot of mailing lists, so just in case you haven’t seen these: Vogue Knitting are having a $2.99 sale on patterns until tomorrow (Friday), and Sew Direct are having a half price sale on Vogue sewing patterns. Could someone please go and spend a lot of money at one of these, as I have bought two Vogue sewing patterns which I can’t afford, and I would like someone else to share in the guilt (for a Chanel-type jacket and a princess-seam dress with a fitted bodice and a flared skirt, thank you for asking. And for any of you UK people who live near London, you can get really, really fabulous Chanel-style tweed at one of the fabric shops in Soho – I can’t remember the name of the street – it’s near the market and the dodgy sex shops. It’s really dear - £50 a metre+ - but you don’t need loads, and think how dear a Chanel jacket is. So if you’re confident you can turn out a jacket with the arms sewn on the right way, which I am not yet so will be using something much cheaper to start, you might want to bear that in mind).

Now I just wanted to show you a couple of things I am working on, but, they are presents, so you have to click to see the rest of the post, and I am trusting my family not to click. Family: you are on your honour. OK? Don’t click. Because when you open your strange bizarre Frankenstein-style items this Christmas, you at least want it to be a surprise.

I found a mural, I photographed it, that's just the way I roll. Why would you paint a mural in a back alley? Should I paint one on our house?

And my other thing I am making which I'm not sure about yet

I thought I would show you my other thing that I’m in the process of making but I’m not sure about.

Knit 1 inch ribbing, then think, thank God that ribbing's done, and go and have a biscuit

So, I have posted this before but I will do it again otherwise this post won’t make sense (worse than usual). One of my favourite poems is Catullus 85: Odi et amo/ quare id faciam fortasse requiris/ Nescio. Sed fieri sentio/ Et excrucior, which translates in my not-very-good Latin as, I hate and I love. Why do I do this, perhaps you ask. I don’t know. But I feel it happen, and I am tortured. Well readers, haven’t we all had someone like that in our lives? Let’s all take a brief moment to be glad they aren’t now sitting on our sofa (unless they are, in which case, don’t put him on your credit card. I learn this from Judge Judy). Anyway, I had this idea (bear with me) that I should make mittens with Odi and Amo on them. Because, people have Love and Hate tattooed on their knuckles, don’t they?* So, it would be like that! Only much more pretentious! So I made a chart. This does not look like it took blood, sweat and grinding of teeth, but it did. In case you want to make one too, I just used Excel, and it is easier than you would think. I started off with graph paper and a pencil but that took forever.

Ream? Or, like, totally unream? So hard to know

I have only charted the Odi mitten so far, and I have cast on and been knitting it up in Palette, but I have not got very far.

I am very sorry. This is just a bad photo. Look! Fuschia! Try to imagine!

This left hand mitten will be a fuschia background with the text in white. The right hand Amo mitten will be a white background with the text in fuschia, and where I have put the ampersand, I will put a heart. If I get to the point where I have knitted them, adjusted the chart and am test knitting others versions, I will try to do the ampersand and the heart in a different colour, but, this will involve stranding three colours over quite a few rows, so you can see I would want to work up to it.

What do you think? Odi? Amo? Good idea? Bad idea? Thinking of other three letter words to put on mittens? Thinking no-one really has love and hate tattooed any more? Think again.

* I used to know someone with Love and Hate tattooed on his knuckles. So I know people do.