We are the village green preservation society

I was wandering into town earlier in the week and I happened upon a tree which seemed to have been singled out for special attention.

It may well be more attractive when it has its leaves on. Let us not judge

This is a tree in the middle of a common with many trees on it. I couldn’t quite understand what made this tree special, but it seemed a very popular one. Has it been targeted? Is the council after this particular scruffy-looking tree? I did google, but frankly I can't make head or tail of it.

Hugely controversial. Your guess is as good as mine. Go Valerie! Go Cressing Temple!

But then I thought more about Cambridge trees. And I’m feeling a bit smug now because we have, like, a million trees in our back garden. Well, not a million, more like, ooh, I don’t know, eight. Big ones. All this time I spend feeling bad about my trees, thinking, oh God I ought to get someone to go up a ladder and trim them a bit or whatever it is you do to trees, when all that time, I didn’t realise what I’d got.

Save all the trees! Look, there are some others in the background! Save them as well!

I've got a tree sanctuary! Yes! It’s just as morally impressive as having a donkey sanctuary, but a lot less trouble! And my trees give so much! I have a beautiful cherry tree that blooms in Spring, with great big pink flowers – a laburnum – a big apple tree – an elderflower bush – and big tall ones at the back that I don’t even know what they are. Every one of them more exciting and impressive than that scrotty old thing with the baubles on. And yet somebody (possibly a mad person, yes), loves that scrotty old thing enough to put baubles on it even though I wonder if just writing to the Cambridge Evening News in a non-mad fashion might be more effective. And I have never put a single bauble on any of the trees in my sanctuary! They must think I don’t care. So this is my pledge to my trees: you will always have a home with me, lads, (and lasses), and I will appreciate you more. I am not going climbing up you to put baubles anywhere because, you are pretty enough with your various blossomy events, but I will appreciate you silently.

You do need trimming, though. I wonder if I should get a quote, oh no :-(.

The Book Masochism Challenge 2011: Getting Started!

OK, so, I wanted to let you know how I was getting on with the Book Masochism Challenge 2011.

I put the list of books on my blog! Here it is. The books I’d already read are crossed out, and the books I’ve read since I started the challenge are crossed out and also have a pink background (because we need to be technical and accurate ;-) ). So far I’ve read The Good Soldier by Ford Madox Ford and Moby-Dick by Herman Melville.

Now, this is what you need to know about me. I do not say this to boast, because after all, it’s not much of a skill in the scheme of things, but, I read very, very quickly. I read like a robot processing information. I get through a shortish book normally in an evening and actually it irritates people. ‘Have you read that already?’ they say, looking at me suspiciously, as if I've cheated. Well, yes I have read it! And even given this not-quite-a-skill, it took me a good fortnight to get through Moby-Dick. A good fortnight! Empires rose and fell. People: this is not an easy read, it is really not. I had to concentrate. I had to shush Partner (he chatters away, artlessly). I had to turn the telly off. Things became serious. However: I was not tempted to give up because, honestly, this is a great book. I mean great in the sense of really impressive. It is fabulous, or, it walks a narrow line between, complete unreadability and complete fabulousness. Which side does it fall, well you must decide that for yourself, but I will tell you that it is only £1.99 on Amazon in case you feel like having a go and I think it is so cheap because no-one wants it. I bet they can’t shift them. I bet the CEO of Amazon is sitting with his head on the desk saying, no, don’t buy any more Moby-Dicks! We’ll never sell the dratted things! Send one out free every time someone orders Twilight, we’ll hope they don’t notice!

Quiz: what famous knitted wrap is Moby-Dick posed on?

This is the thing with Moby-Dick; although everybody knows the basic narrative, man chases whale, situation ends badly, actually I’ve never read a book where the narrative is less the point. It’s not about the story. It actually seemed to me to be about the nature of scholarly authority (who has the right to talk about whales?) and the interplay between life, life as story, how one becomes the other, whether the other can go back to being the one (no). Anyway before I go off and write you a long boring essay we will move on,

Because, I also want to tell you about The Good Soldier. Now this was also an excellent book. It is safe to say I would never in my life have read this by choice as I thought the title and indeed the cover (a woman in a big hat – sorry I can’t show you, I have lent it to my mother) were most unprepossessing, but, when I started it I couldn’t put it down. I won’t tell you what happens because who knows, you might read it too, but, it is all about the nature of narrative (but not in a boring unreadable way!), how you can never really know people, and social convention. It is lots of fun (well, kind of fun), and I thought the ending was very effective.

Next, I am reading Ulysses by James Joyce. I have actually skim-read this years ago, and I am a fan of JJ (start with Dubliners if you haven’t read any), but now I am doing it properly, and I am reading the Odyssey first (Ulysses is based on the Odyssey). I can say with some confidence that, after Moby-Dick, reading the Odyssey is like reading Heat magazine, so it is a nice rest before I gird my loins again for deconstructed narratives and internal monologues, oh no.

Partner said, 'The Penguin is just about readable if you have to read it in translation', rather sniffily I thought. Look, classical academic, I can knit socks

I’m pleased with how this is going so far – I’ve certainly read books I would never have chosen, and it’s been an interesting experience up to now. I’m wondering if 30 books as a target might have been a bit ambitious, though, especially if they’re all going to be great big dense doorstop-type things like a certain book concerning whales.

Other Book Masochists: how are you getting on?

Dealing with depression (couldn't think of a cheerier title. Not too bad, honestly).

Now, I like to keep my blog light and fluffy (apart from the moaning), but the time of year has made me think of this one so I put it out there in case it is useful to anyone, and if it isn’t, then do check back next week when we will be back to fluffiness and craft, and I will be boring you with my thoughts on the Book Masochism Challenge (and here’s my advice: don’t start with Moby Dick. God).

A life belt. See what I did there, hey hey?

Anyway. Let me tell you a little story, readers – you may wish to go and get a nice cup of tea, a custard cream, and a small violin. *Mournful string instrument plays*.  Now, once upon a time, indeed, the year before last, I was doing a job where, says she thoughtfully, it was not a good situation, and while doing it I gradually watched my personality and life outside work fly off into the ether. I delayed leaving because, among other things, I knew that once I left I would reap the emotional whirlwind. Anyway, I left, and I was quite correct, I did reap the whirlwind, and went through a good few months of what I now think was depression. I tried various things to become perked up and healthier, some of which helped, some of which didn’t, but it strikes me as I forge my way into the wintry beginning of 2011 that things are looking different to how they looked at this time last year, although it’s still a bit of an uphill journey some days. But something worked. Now, this time of year can sometimes be a difficult one. You may have fallen out with your family over Christmas, you may have spent all your money, you have certainly put weight on and are sitting about in your fat pants feeling sluggish (no? Just me? Sure?). It can all be a bit difficult, so if it ever is, hugs, and this is what helped me (and on the contrary if you’re feeling great, fantastic, go you, and we’ll all be reading your blog for cheeriness and inspiration! Get to it ;-) ).

Before I do my tips, I will also just say, I think people expect depression to equal sitting about crying and feeling sad. I don’t think it’s necessarily like this at all – I never felt sad, and I haven’t shed a tear in years. Mine manifested in having virus after virus after virus – I felt like I had low-level flu for about 6 months – and not being able to get going. A Victoran novelist would have loved my lassitude, but I like to get things done, and I did not. Also – all the advice you hear about eating properly, taking regular exercise, getting out in the fresh air and getting medical help if necessary is good advice, these are just my extra suggestions that I also found made a difference.

1/ Set yourself positive goals, and achieve them. It’s the achieving them that’s the important thing. So, if your goal is ‘I will go and buy a paper at Budgens and smile at Barry the cashier even when he takes 20 minutes doing a price check’ and you do it, that’s better than ‘I will weed the entire garden’ and only managing 5 square metres, even though in real terms you’ve accomplished much less. It’s like you have to build up your Finishing Things muscle and you can start as small as you want to.

2/ Don’t cut yourself off from people even if they irritate you. If you’re depressed, some days, everything people say will irritate you. Try to ignore the actual words and react to the intent, because often people will be trying to convey everlasting emotional support in the most cack-handed way you can possibly imagine. Take the thought for the deed. The people who are wanting to see you/ talk to you love you, and will put up with your irritation.

3/ Break everything you have to do down into as small steps as you need. I still have to do this sometimes and I find myself standing in the bathroom thinking, now I brush my teeth and then I put my trousers on, which is not very impressive when you are 36 and have a mortgage and 2 degrees. But then it is better than not brushing my teeth or putting my trousers on at all. Because what would Barry in Budgens say? His job is difficult enough as it is.

4/ This one is very important. In case you find yourself a bit down partly because the World or an individual part of it has screwed you over, every minute you spend getting mad or bearing a grudge is like wearing an emotional hair shirt, and it only hurts you. Protect yourself from being screwed over again in an adequate but not obsessive manner, then move on emotionally and don’t give the person/ people another thought. This isn’t easy, obviously, but it actually takes more energy to hold a grudge than to do something more interesting, so it gets easier as you go along. And there is always something more interesting to do. Take up knitting.

5/ This is Partner’s tip. Try to concentrate on something (it doesn’t matter what – a Sudoku, a book, anything) for a while every day. Not TV (unless it is a film where you have to pay attention) as somehow this doesn’t have the same effect. Concentrating calms you down and is like a holiday for your mind. During the Bad Time I went through a period of about 4 years when I was completely unable to sit still or concentrate on anything, and all I could manage at this period were the puzzles in Take A Break. So if you ever see me featured holding up a copy looking a bit raddled, with the headline saying ‘Take A Break’s Arrow Word Saved My Sanity’ you’ll know why.

6/ My Nana Bessie used to say this and it is true, although a bit irritating. Count your blessings. If you really put your mind to it it can be very cheering, and it forces you to see the things you normally take for granted. Today I myself am grateful that I won’t have to paint the bathroom again tomorrow.

7/ Take refuge in Art. Well, I could not sit still to read and I have never particularly been good at visual art but even in my darkest times I listened to music and it got me through, although now if I ever come unexpectedly upon ‘It’s All Over Now Baby Blue’ I may collapse in a traumatised heap. Often art is made by people who are much more depressed than you are, or addicted to something very unhealthy and difficult to obtain and consequently miserable, so it is like the homeopathic principle of curing yourself with something similar. Please don’t just drink tequila and fall over sobbing to ‘Everybody Hurts’, though, listen to something a bit feisty. ‘Everybody Hurts’ would depress anybody.

8/ Create something. Knit a scarf, write a poem, cook dinner from scratch. Sometimes I feel like any tiny thing I create is like dragging order out of the Void, sometimes I think it’s just making dinner. This one has the added bonus of, it makes you feel better, and you have dinner or whatever at the end of it as well.

9/ Know that this too will pass!

OK, well I hope some of this is helpful and you all don’t think I’m madder than you did previously (hmm). Have a lovely rest of weekend everyone. Rather shamefully, especially after tip no. 8, I am just off to put a Waitrose curry in the oven (I have been painting all day, honestly) but tomorrow I must find something exciting to do with the biggest Jerusalem Artichoke I have ever seen. It's huge! It’s like a joke without the punchline. A bientôt!

Confessions of a slovenly householder, no. 1: How To Paint

Everyone has roles in relationships and life. For some, their role is to be the supportive one, the one who deals with social occasions, the one who drives after evenings out, the one who catches spiders, etc. My role is to be the one who always does the decorating. This is not a role I consciously chose; if I were to choose, my role would be to be the one who spends all the household income at ascension online, but, here we are and now I have built up a degree of skill in it and I think I am trapped. As my mind is on this having spent today emulsioning the bathroom, I thought I would do a how-to of the correct way to paint a room. Most of you are probably better at this than me, and if you are, don’t hesitate to tell me where I am going wrong as I have to do the kitchen next and will incorporate your advice gratefully.

1/ Painting is very boring but it is not difficult. If you are up to balancing with one leg on various unsafe structures, then there is absolutely no need to pay someone else to do it although I can absolutely see why you might want to, so don’t feel bad.

2/ Painting is like sewing, it is all in the preparation, which takes oh god yawn forever, and the actual painting is very quick. As a rule of thumb the more time you spend preparing the better your room will look, so although it is counter-intuitive for me to say this, don’t think, oh I can’t be arsed, and dive straight in. No! First range your tools! You will need:

I have run out of masking tape, oh no

3/ Paint: listen carefully. DO NOT BUY CHEAP PAINT. While I am all for saving money, cheap paint is a hideous false economy. Does anyone remember the first Adrian Mole book? Where he tries to paint his bedroom black and it won’t cover his Noddy wallpaper so he has to do coat after coat and then scribble over the bells on Noddy’s hat with a marker? Adrian had clearly not bought Dulux, as this is what you are dooming yourself to if you buy cheap paint. This is the only time you will ever hear me say this, but, buy a named brand, and if it says ‘one coat!’ or something, so much the better. You will still need 2, though.

4/ A small brush for edges – all of them lose bristles, so you can buy a cheap one – and something bigger to cover more space. Do not buy a roller. They spray everywhere, and the hairy cylinder flies off and hits the carpet/ toddler/ afghan hound, it all goes wrong. Buy a Paint Pad with a small handle. If you are painting your hallway you can use the handle to tie it to the (non-hairy) end of a brush for greater length. Also you need a paint tray (these are very cheap).

Paint pad, tray and brush. Keep that mess contained. Lock up the cat

5/ Masking tape and polyfilla. These do not have to be wonderful quality, just buy the cheap ones. Buy polyfilla in a tub rather than a tube as otherwise you are forever squeezing.

6/ Now prepare your room. Have a wipe/ hoover round all the walls (because you would be surprised how cobwebs can accumulate), and clean with a damp cloth the tops of door frames, skirting boards, or anywhere that is liable to be dusty, because if dust gets on your brush, your surface ends up gritty. If you have any cracks/ holes anywhere, stick some polyfilla on (I just use a spoon and then smudge it with kitchen roll). It only takes about an hour to dry, and then you can sand it down.

7/ Now, stick masking tape all around every edge that will come into contact with paint: every single one. Skirting boards, tiles, doors, cupboards, light switches, overhead light fittings, everything. However tidy you are generally, assume you are going to be throwing paint at this room like a drunken monkey. Because you are.

Can you see? Like a drunken monkey. Buy that masking tape and use it!

8/ After hard-won experience I can tell you that: emulsion comes out of most things, and you can get gloss off hard surfaces, but the combination of gloss + carpet is a difficult one. So, if you are painting a carpeted room, put down dust sheets, at least next to the wall you are painting.

9/ This is just a tip which was passed on to me by my mother and which I now pass on to you. If you paint everything in your house white, you can use leftover paint easily and also you never have to be too accurate. My mother hyperventilates however if she is in a room which is painted anything other than white or magnolia so this is a better tip for her than for people who like colour, however everything I have ever painted I have painted white* and I can vouch for it working.

*Because partner only likes white. Yes, we have had the argument, we have had it many times.

10/ Now you are ready to paint, ha! Open your tub, stir it round with a spoon. With your small brush, paint lines along all the masking taped edges for a couple of inches, also in the join between the wall and the ceiling, around every light fixture and all the skirting boards. Also, if there are any angles between walls or on walls, paint there as well. This is because your paint pad will only do flat surfaces and cannot cope with corners or detail, so you do all the edges first and then just fill in the big bits.

11/ Fill in the big bits with your paint pad. Have a damp cloth ready and wipe up any bits of paint that go awol (wipe them up properly otherwise you end up with a smear and that is worse).

12/ Wait about 3 hours and give it all a second coat.

13/ The first time you leave the house either after or during a painting session, look at yourself in the mirror. You will have a large splodge of paint somewhere surprising. It is best that you find this out yourself, rather than have to have the bus driver tell you.

Make sure to have plenty of cups of tea and biscuits, and – and this is important – stop before you are exhausted. Painting is surprisingly tiring and you can’t just lay down your brush and walk away, you have to wash it (emulsion: wash under running tap, brush brush on newspaper to dry, squeeze water out of paint pad then lay on paper. Gloss: fill jar with white spirit, put brush in, later brush newspaper until dry) and sort everything out. Oh God, and I have got to gloss tomorrow! Anyway, the bathroom is looking much better. It’s white, since you were wondering. With white tiles. And a very pale grey floor.

All this does is prove to me that you can never escape your upbringing.

Just wanted to say quickly

That Amy from Knitter of Hats Speaks is doing a valentine's day card swap on her blog, which is a fab idea - if you want to go and sign up (I have, har har), here is the post, you have until 14th Jan.

Also, Resa from Discovering Asterisms blogged about the card she received from Sarah, go look, and I for one am very happy you have remembered how to internet, Resa, yay indeed.

And Moomin Mamma, just wanted to say to you that my Aunty Kath received your card safely and thought it was lovely, and I would have got a photo only I was a bit distracted during my Festive Visit (you can imagine. Waves to family. Hi!).

And one more thing - as you know, I am decluttering (misery misery oh woe is me). I am decluttering cookbooks and have some vegan cook zines (only about 3) that I would like to go to a good home. One of them is a bit mad and please ignore what it says about vitamin B12, but the other two are really useful (I am just not vegan any more, and I need the space, although I am retaining my trusty copy of Vegan With A Vengeance). If anyone would like them, just leave me a comment below - free to the first person who asks. I am painting the bathroom at the moment so I might not be able to post until next week, but I promise not to forget ;-).

Sleep well!

WIP Wednesday - The Joy Of Sox

I’m decluttering. Oh noes! It’s awful. At the moment it’s going like this:

1. Open cupboard
2. Realise how much there is to do
3. Put small item in discarded Waitrose bag (because they are stronger and better quality)
4. Wipe exposed inch of surface in desultory manner
5. Make nice cup of tea
6. Read Living Etc and feel despair rising within like an overyeasted loaf.

Well I have paused at stage 5 this time to come and do a quick blog post and show you my work in progress. Thanks as ever to Tami for hosting WIP Wednesday, cheers Tami! And if you go and look at her WIP Wednesday post you will find lots of bloggers with nice things to show you.

I myself am knitting a sock.

Admire those gusset decreases

I know it doesn’t look very exciting. That is because this is a vanilla sock, which means it is plain and straight and has no cables, colourwork, lace patterns or anything. I am charmed that knitters have borrowed the term for boring socks from our friends in the bdsm community, because I love a bit of friendly linguistic swapping, and I feel we should give something back. Might I suggest that there are some technical knitting terms that would make really excellent safe words? I’m thinking particularly ‘steek!’ or, ‘nupp!’, but you may prefer others.

I always knit socks the same way. This is because I am not very adventurous, but also because I see them as utility items and I know this way produces a good, serviceable sock that I will be comfortable ambling about in. Also I really love knitting with bamboo double pins, I find it excessively relaxing. (Odd? Moi?). These are knit on 2.5mm needles although I am wondering if I should have used 2.25 (wouldn't you think I'd write it down instead of trusting my memory?). I am using Regia Kaffe Fassett yarn and I cast on with a knitting-on cast on:

I don't know how to do the old norwegian cast on, I am rubbish

It doesn’t look tidy but it is very, very stretchy. I use this rather than a long-tail cast on basically because if I use a long-tail I have to look it up, and also I don’t like estimating how much yarn I am going to need. I may one day go wild and try a tubular cast on, though, who knows. If I knit on my socks every evening, I normally get a pair done in about a fortnight. I think they are possibly my favourite thing to knit: quickish, useful, cheap, and everyone thinks you are a magician to be able to turn a heel.

Where do you stand on the whole sock issue?

Things that seem like a good idea at the time, no. 1

Not only have I bought the magazine:

Where's the article on Dealing With Ground Elder Without Despairing? I suppose it must be in the Feb one

I've bought a subscription. I know I'm going to be a bit busy this year, tightening what is currently my muffin top until you can bounce a tennis ball off it, Improving My Mind Through Novels, decluttering, achieving peace in the Middle East, running 5K, getting my hair cut, painting the bathroom, knitting up miles and miles of wool and learning Stranded Colourwork, forging excoriatingly honest and authentic relationships with all my loved ones and making my own preserves, but I'm sure I'll be able to find a few odd minutes to create an Earthly Paradise in our back garden. I'm sure that Gardeners' World subscription won't be mocking me by May. I'm sure I won't be looking at Alan Titchmarsh's cheery face on the cover and feeling like hitting him on the head with a shovel! (Only gently. Not to kill him. Only enough to stun him a bit).

Off to ogle Wisterias.