I, the Yarn Exorcist

A while ago, I had the misfortune to buy some yarn with a hex on it.

It looks so innocent and yet it is BAD. Spun from wool and EVIL

They didn’t tell me it was hexed when I bought it. I mean, to be fair, I don’t think they knew. I don’t think that was the reason it was reduced. I didn’t realise myself, at first. Not until I tried knitting with it.

First I started a Cheadle. I knitted half of it then I accepted emotionally that I wasn’t going to get gauge. What was a little bit strange, though was that however far down I went in needle size, the gauge didn’t actually change. The fabric got thicker, but the gauge was the same. In the end I was producing something so disturbingly thick and hairy it was like the underparts of a Yak who has been doing whatever it is Yaks do through the rough undergrowth non-stop for a month, but it was still 12 stitches to 10cm and not 14 and at that point I gave up and frogged.

Then I made almost all of an Asymmetrical Corrugated Sweater and despite getting gauge perfectly it turned out with a 28” chest measurement. Now, clearly there was something wrong there with either the pattern or my interpretation of it (says she charitably), but, let me do my rant about sizing anyway. The medium size would have produced a 37” chest measurement, on a design which needs about 4” negative ease. In what world is a 33” chest measurement for an adult woman a medium? Well, I will tell you: in the same world as American Apparel sizing. If you look down a few posts you will see a picture of me wearing a black tshirt. Does it look big on me? No it doesn’t. That tshirt is a large. There is one size bigger than that, and then presumably anyone who has a bust measurement greater than about 38-39” can just go whistle because probably they aren’t supposed to exist in the first place. I got that tshirt from Print Liberation who I don’t have any beef with – I love the design, their customer service was great, their postage was reasonable and cheap – but, for God’s sake everybody, please stop printing on American Apparel tshirts and make it easier for me to boycott them, because they may not use sweat shops but their attitude to women is, shall we say, not one I share. That is the end of my rant. It began with knitwear sizing and it turned into I Hate Dov Charney. I bet that happens loads.

Anyway after that, I put the pieces of the Tiny Ludicrous Sweater into a cupboard and I gnawed on my knuckles for a bit, irritably. But, I cannot stay away. I have taken up my hexed yarn once more, I have girded my loins (not with anything from American Apparel, like lurex-loin-girders or something), and I have begun a Shalom Cardigan.

It is always best to begin a new knitting project while reading something challenging and intellectual

I am tempted to say, what can go wrong? Seriously, what can go wrong? It isn’t even meant to meet across the bust, look! It only has to close with one button! Surely even the hexed yarn can produce something with armholes that is at least good enough to keep me warm while I am digging over my borders?

We are one pattern repeat in and as yet it has not spontaneously combusted and/ or magically become half the size it should be

Well, we will wait and see. But if I am back doing a post in a couple of weeks that says ‘a random and naughty dog came in off the street and ate my Shalom cardigan, how could this happen’, or, ‘I have somehow made three armholes in my Shalom cardigan and I do not understand why’ then I hope someone will stage an intervention and just make me put that @£$%^$% yarn up for sale on ebay. Because this is the third strike, and after this, that yarn is out. It is so out. It could not be more out. It is on its final warning. I think I am justified.

Bargains at Kemps

For those of you in the UK, just wanted to let you know that Kemps Wool Shop has some good bargains at the moment, including quite a bit of Rowan. Go, flex your credit cards. Kemps are the cheapest for wool I have ever found and I've always found their service good (standard disclaimer, no ties to Kemps, either financial or emotional. I just like a woolly bargain ;-) ).

Tea for Three and no sugar for me

At the moment I am trying to cut down on refined sugar i.e. stop eating my own weight in chocolate every day. I imagine this will lead very rapidly to taut abdominals off which any interested parties could bounce a tennis ball, clear skin, and possibly a fairly intense degree of spiritual enlightenment. This is a jolly good job as in the meantime it is miserable and at the moment I would wrestle anyone to the ground if they walked past me with a Kit Kat. Even if they looked really hard.

Mad gnomic posters. Non placet = it does not please

At the weekend however I did overdose a little bit on sugar so you would have thought I would have built up reserves or something. I went to London with my mum and Aunty Kath and we had afternoon tea at the Cadogan Hotel on Sloane Street.

Tea, champagne and sandwiches = top meal

Whenever I go to London with my mum and Aunty Kath it is like a glimpse into how the other half live as, understandably, what they like to do is stride fearlessly up and down Bond Street and posh places criticising the merchandise, whereas when I go alone I spend most of my time mooching thoughtfully round occult bookshops in Bloomsbury, in my hairy coat. I do sometimes feel that every moment my Aunty Kath spends not heading an expedition up the Nile or similar is a moment wasted, as I have never met anyone so impervious to exhaustion, thirst, hunger or the lassitude that comes upon you suddenly when you find yourself in Harvey Nichols lost in the luxury leather goods department. Her masterful fending off of the very determined Man In Charge Of Perfume in Fortnum and Mason on our last visit was a sight to behold, as was this weekend’s Expression When Confronted With An Overpriced Glass Lampshade in Portobello Market. Do not mess with someone who has been studying the Miller Guide to Antiques since you were drinking Cherry B in a kaftan, lampshade lady, do not mess.

Aunty Kath, fixing my mother with a glance to keep her under control

Anyway I pretended to my mother that we were going there rather than the Ritz because the Cadogan Hotel has an exciting history (it is where Oscar Wilde was arrested, I don’t actually know if that’s exciting or depressing), but this was not quite true. I booked the Cadogan because it was the only place I could find which did afternoon tea for a reasonable charge. Afternoon tea seems to have become quite big business recently, and if you go to one of the big hotels on Mayfair you can be paying £44 per person. That does seem quite a lot to me (because, you know, I could feed us on a week for that), but, I imagine the tea is quite a production, because ours certainly was. It was very nice.

Buns! Scones! Macaroons! Spun sugar! We are refined so we paced ourselves and did not snarfle it all down in one

We had sandwiches, scones, little sweet nibbly petit-fours things and an Earl Grey cheesecake in a glass. It was all delicious, and we had a choice of tea, and a free glass of champagne. The hotel was absolutely full of groups of ladies having tea, but was not crowded, and there was a nice atmosphere. I enjoyed it very much. My mother was a little bit unsure at first because the gents toilets were being renovated and had a dustsheet outside, yes, you did read that correctly, but, it was alright, after she had drunk her champagne she thought no more about dustsheets.

I have now had my champagne and will forgive them their unsightly renovations

Perhaps I might institute gracious living and Afternoon Tea in my own life. I might put my Yorkshire Tea for Hard Water teabag in a nice cup and have a small snack in the afternoons. Might it involve refined sugar? Readers, I think I may crack.

Model's Own

First things first. Because it’s so much like Spring today

The daffodils are practically out! The weather is above freezing!

I’m having a Spring Cleaning. Of my etsy shop! 15% off with the following coupon: CUPOFTEA (you enter it when you check out). It’s an homage to the delightful substance I spend a lot of time sitting on my bum drinking (and sewing as well, not just sitting on my bum staring at the wall. Sitting productively!). Lots of retro fabric shopping bags, vintage scarf tops in various sizes, lovely comfy jersey wrap skirts, all sewn by me. Coupon is valid till the end of March so you’ve got a bit of time, no need to crash the etsy server. (Ha! ;-) ),

Second things second – random celebrity sighting. Roy Strong outside Agent Provocateur in town. Beat that,

Third things third – vintage clothes. As I get older and more vintage myself, I find myself buying more and more vintage clothes. I think the reason I started (violins swell) was when there was all the publicity ages and ages ago about the terrible conditions clothes on the high street are produced in. I stopped buying high street clothes (mostly – I do still buy some), and I looked for alternatives, and the habit kind of stuck. I think there’s a lot of rubbish going about pretending to be vintage, though. I won’t name names, but, I’ve been in shops with rails of things that are absolutely worn out and dropping to pieces, smelly, cheap fabrics, and all really highly priced. And people are buying them! This is the thing: if it wasn’t good quality and/ or stylish when it was made, why would you buy it now? I mean, I could go out tomorrow and buy one of those polyester skirts from the M&S Classic Collection, but if I kept it for 40 years it wouldn’t somehow magically transform into a Vintage Example of Floral Prints from 2011. It would still make whoever wore it look like they were going to spend the morning beadily twitching the net curtains at the man next door in case he lets his poodle toilet somewhere inappropriate. Time does not transform pigs' ears into silk purses.

Battling wind, direct sunlight, and natural diffidence

Some things though I do think are worth buying. I am a fan of seventies clothes (does that surprise you?) and I don’t see why I shouldn’t pick up an original on etsy rather than going to Anthropologie or somewhere and paying three times the price. You’d be surprised how many clothes are just straight rip offs of things from years ago. As you know, I’m very into authenticity, and I think you always look better if you get an original rather than the Topshop take on it in inferior fabric.

You will note I am wearing a belt with the garment above. You have to have a bit of a gung-ho attitude to vintage things you buy: if it doesn’t fit, make it fit. It’s my experience that most things fit if you put a wide enough belt round them and are determined enough, but if your style is less hippie tunic + jeans then you might need to get things altered. I once spent a fortune having the shoulders on a furry coat taken in, but it was worth every penny as now it is my favourite thing in the world. It makes me look like a directional Honey Monster.

Tshirt from Print Liberation, bags under eyes from Dad. You can't do photoshoots without makeup. This seems to be a sad fact. I am going to have to read Andrea Dworkin to see what she advises

This is a sixties patchwork leather jacket. I have been stalking patchwork leather on etsy and ebay for about a year, one came up in my size, and I snatched it up. If you read ‘about a year’ and winced, I understand, I do. You have to see it kind of as a hobby, know what you want, and pounce. I won’t tell you how long I’ve been looking for brogues and a seventies sequinned jacket because you might fear for my sanity.

I’ve had the most luck with vintage from etsy sellers (feel free to trawl through my favourites) – there is some fantastic, fantastic vintage on etsy, and it’s very realistically priced and excellent quality. If I was reliant on buying vintage from some of the brick and mortar shops I’ve been in, well, let’s just say I’d be spending a lot more time with the M&S Classic Collection than I do at the moment.

What do you think of vintage? Pretentious and overpriced or stylish and cool?

WIP Wednesday. Help Please!

So, it’s WIP Wednesday again, thanks Tami for hosting, which is hugely fortuitous, because I need Help! Help with a WIP! Help and Advice! First though, let me just show you a photo of me which I took with the help of my new tripod. I am hugely encouraged that I managed to get all of me in the photo at a not-mad angle, and I think this bodes well because now I can take photographs of my clothes on me, which is better than on the model. Obviously the downside is I might have to shave my legs and stick a bit of lipstick on, but, swings and roundabouts.

OK, I know. But try to imagine me without the coat on

It was cold this morning so I rushed outside in the bit when it wasn’t raining without brushing my hair and all bundled up in my winter coat. I would like to say I normally look more stylish than this, but, hmm. Anyway, I will brush my hair if I do a proper photo shoot because nobody ever sold a recycled scarf top looking like a gonk.

Now onto my WIP. Advice please! These photos are hot off the press (I am sewing this now), so, you cannot see it very well but bear with me.

Gosh is it by Issey Miyake? No

It is a skirt with some smallish pleats in the front and some box pleats in the back. I have finished it apart from the hem and the waistband. You can’t see the fabric properly, but it is a thin brown polyester which is not dressmaking fabric (I acquired it). I think it is very cool, and am going for a kind of billowy-scruffy-parachute silk kind of look, if you know what I mean. So it is supposed to look a bit deconstructed. It fits great and looks exactly as I want it to look thus far. This is my problem.

There, look at the loose threads. You can see the static in action

It is so static! When I sew it, the thread floats about! When I wear it, I can actually feel myself walking about in a cloud of static electricity. If it was anywhere near my face it would probably be unwearable, but as a skirt I might be able to get away with it. But what do you think? Am I going to spend all the time I am wearing it plucking it out from between my legs and swearing? Is there anything I can do to make it any less static? I have probably got enough lining fabric to make a lining (or some cotton), but, I don’t want to sacrifice my good fabric if it won’t work, because I was only intending this as a semi-disposable toile experiment to wear a couple of times. Should I just make the best of it, wear it and be damned and go and find long-haired animals to rub up against and annoy? Have you ever had this problem? What do you think?

If anyone wants to say ‘I had exactly this problem and then I wore it for 10 minutes and all the electricity entirely disappeared. I didn’t need to line it or anything’ then, that will be a particularly welcome comment (you’re not going to say that, are you, though?).

There. I manipulated WIP Wednesday into providing guidance on a thorny issue (thank you in advance ;-) ). But, for more successful WIPS, go and have a look at Tami’s blog post – you might find some new blogs to follow. There are people out there making some lovely things. I am going to have a cup of tea, blog hop, and make myself jealous ;-).

Our daily bread

Today I want to introduce you to my very special friend. I love him very much. He has been with me during the bad times and the good. He is reliable and very little trouble. I bless the day he came to my door in a large brown box via the Home Delivery Network.

I'm afraid the CD at the side is just as naff as you are suspecting

It is my Panasonic SD-255 breadmaker. It is wonderful. Do any of you have one? I cannot understand why every kitchen doesn’t have a breadmaker when we all have microwaves which take up as much room and aren’t nearly as useful. Frankly I think there should be national announcements on News at Ten or an ad campaign like for the digital switchover. I love my breadmaker.

Now, one of my talents is, I am actually not bad at baking. My mum taught me when I was very small, and I can bake nice bread by hand. However. If I had to make all my own bread, I would not eat homemade bread nearly as often, because I do find it a bit of a performance. I know there’s a method where you just spend 5 minutes on it a day, but, even so. We all have different tolerances for these things, and I would rather be sewing, or, boring all you lovely people on my blog. Besides, my breadmaker makes better bread than I do and with the same ingredients (in fact, it uses less yeast). Since I had the breadmaker, I have made at least two loaves in it every week and mostly more. In fact, I use it so much, that I gave the first one I bought to my mum and I bought the version that also makes rye bread (I used to have more money). My mum did that special mother thing whereby you give them something slightly grubby and used and the next time you see it, it is all clean and buffed and shiny and looking better than when you first bought it, and you think, how did she manage that. She makes four loaves a week (I don’t know how they get through four loaves, I have to say. Possibly she sells them on the black market).

If it isn't good enough for the wildfowl i.e. the ducks, it isn't good enough for you

Now, I think you would probably have to go a long way to find someone who would say to you that they found commercial sliced bread completely delicious, despite those silly adverts where a woman reacts in a feeble passive-aggressive way when her husband nibbles her Kingsmill (whereas breadmaker bread genuinely is delicious. The smell!). But, what I didn’t realise, was that it is not just crap because it has been industrially produced and there is some taste-loss-through-scale thing going on, it is produced through a specific industrial method which is quite unlike how bread is produced by hand. Yes, they had to use science to get it to taste that bad. They squash all the grains up, add loads of water, and keep the resulting spongey strange thing hanging together with hard fat and chemicals. It is called The Chorleywood Process (I am not convinced this article is unbiased, however, I always go by the principle with food of, the less processing the better, so, you know). And to make it rise they suck it up. Literally! They apply a vacuum. It makes me think of those pumps to cure impotence. And apparently 80% of commercial bread is produced like this now, so, even if you buy bread from the supermarket bakery, it may have been produced like this and I think often they just bake the prepared dough from frozen (although. I used to work in Tesco bakery years ago and I am sure they used to make it normally, because we had big mixers. However apparently this is not always the case now with all supermarket bread. It does taste pappy to me, much more than it used to).

So I say, avoid Chorleywood dodgy bread, buy a breadmaker, be happy ever after! There are a couple of issues that you might call drawbacks, but which I don't mind: firstly, a standard loaf takes about 4 hours to bake, so you have to plan ahead. I just set the timer and put it on the night before, or, there is a special rapid bake programme which takes just less than 2 hours and is fine. The loaf has a small hole in the middle of the bottom because of the paddle – I just don’t mind this: it is only small.

A bonus picture of choccy cake I made. The white bits in the icing are where I didn't sieve the icing sugar properly and are nothing sinister. Sieve your icing sugar!

You wouldn’t believe the difference having really delicious bread always on hand makes. It changes the way you eat. Boring things like toast and sandwiches become a gourmet meal. You find yourself wanting to do things with your leftovers, like, french onion soup, or bread and butter pudding, just to finish the nice bread. You can make dough in it as well, so you can make pizzas, pitta breads, bread rolls, it is great. I am so much a convert I am like someone who has been Saved and is determined that everyone else is going to be Saved as well. Whether they like it or not.

Here endeth the party political broadcast on behalf of the Go And Buy A Panasonic Breadmaker Party. Look, I just want you all to be happy and have nice sandwiches. It is all I ask. Is that so wrong?

Pattern Review - Anna Maria Horner Evening Empire Dress

I want to show you my Evening Empire Dress which I made from an Anna Maria Horner pattern.

Look at that blue sky! It is Spring! Everybody get your patchwork dresses on!

OK, first the serious pattern review bit (because, look, you might want to make it or someone might google and be looking for tips. We don’t know): I thought this pattern was easy to follow, fit true to size, and is a good shape. I don’t think empire line anything is terribly easy to get away with, but, this is actually a good bodice pattern because it is shaped and nips in slightly under the bust, so, if you are thinking, can I try an empire line dress or will it make me look like a doughnut, the answer is, this is quite a good one and worth trying. The instructions for putting the bodice together are good, it is straightforward and the pieces fit together properly. Although my picture makes the bodice look a bit lumpy, you will just have to believe me that it isn’t. It is because my dummy is firm and unyielding. I sadly am not, neither physically nor emotionally. It would also be very, very easy to adapt into a tunic length or a different patchwork design or something, so, excellent value for money!

Also you could use this pattern to make an actual quilt. Even better value for money!

I had a bit of trouble following the instructions about how to put the zip in – in the end I just gave up and put the zip in, well, the way I normally put zips in. This may have been me (I was tired, I cannot follow instructions) or it may have been the pattern. I also would have encased the bodice/ skirt seam in the lining of the bodice and whipstitched – if I ever make another this is what I will do.

The biggest problem with this dress, though, I think, is; I used quilting weight fabric, and there is a lot of volume. A lot of volume. I didn’t line it, because, well, I hadn’t got any spare lining fabric and besides, I didn’t feel like it: I am quite pleased that I didn’t, though, because two layers of fabric would have made it enormous. I would have looked worse than a doughnut, I would have looked perfectly spherical, like a big patchwork sprout. So, if you are using quilting fabric, for God’s sake don’t then line it with quilting fabric, use either thin lining fabric or just go wild and leave it unlined. I ended up having to shorten this dress by taking the bottom row of triangles off so it ended above my knee, because, although I made the shorter length in the pattern, it hit at a quite unattractive point on my calf and I felt I looked like Michelle Duggar. Which was an interesting look, but not absolutely the one I was going for. It is a good pattern though, and I would certainly make more Anna Maria Horner patterns (in fact I am making a Socialite Dress at the moment!).

Bonus pic of listing for shop. Because I took photos today! Because it was so sunny!

Anyway, in order to better convey to you subtle issues like, how to avoid looking like Michelle Duggar in an empire line, I have bought a tripod! Yes! And when it arrives I am going to experiment with taking photos of myself wearing things. Because at the moment I have to use Partner to take photos if I want photos of myself and, readers, I will be honest, he is not very good. He is always rushing off somewhere, he becomes mesmerised by the screen on the camera and we have to have a discussion about what a digital camera is - every time -, and then he turns into David Bailey and tries to impose his own aesthetic sense. And I don’t want to disparage Partner’s aesthetic sense, but he is very, very colourblind, and from things he sometimes says I do occasionally suspect him of thinking dogs are green. And I am quite colour focused. So, I think this extra stress is one of the reasons I always look constipated and tortured in any photographs of me. It is a shame because it is actually the sole thing that has stopped me from being a supermodel, which would otherwise have been a given. I mean, have you seen my cheekbones? I still have to fend them all off, you know, when they ring me. ‘No, Stella, sweetcheeks’ I have to say, sadly. ‘I know I’m the only one who can really bring your pseudo-seventies take on denim to life. But I’m still having that looking-constipated-in-photos thing going on. Yes, still! I know! Can’t you ring Lily? I know it’s not the same. Ciao, hun. Got to go. Karl’s on the other line. You get back to your leather substitutes’.

I hate to disappoint people. It just kills me to hear Stella cry. But what can you do?