Failure to display WIPs so showing you my nails instead

I was going to do a WIP Wednesday post today but I didn't get it together to take photographs. So, here's a quick summary:

City Stole - 3/4 done, coming on great but do not like the yarn I am using
Annis - done 8 rows, working up energy to do nupps (when I have done nupps the rest is easy garter stitch short rows)
Boring Socks in Noro Kureyon Sock - nearly done 1 sock, the yarn is very strange, it has interesting colours but appears to have been spun by a monkey out of especially rough sheep
Sewing - am contemplating making an asymmetric jacket from the latest Burda magazine

And that is all, and if you would like to see proper photos from competent people please do go and explore the links on Tami's blog. Now I will show you my nails.

No one look at my cuticles. You don't get to look polished in two days, you know 

They are a deep forest green although it looked more of a teal in the little pot so that is what I thought I was getting. Anyway, I have painted them, and hopefully have left enough time for them to dry before I have to take the bin round. This is the problem: real life interferes with Glamour. In an unprecedented move, I have also bought a lipstick. I do not dare show you the colour because I suspect you will tell me it is unwearable and I must not leave the house wearing it {cough} orange {cough}. Anyway I shall go now and slip on a negligee and some high-heeled fluffy mules and lie on the sofa eating grapes. Not that we have any grapes. Or a negligee. OK, I shall go and put my Primark tracky bottoms on and go and eat a baked potato.

Did somebody tell her, you can really be redeemed

I think I’m bored now of being quite as low maintenance (aesthetically) as I have been recently (my mother will be perking up at this and will be thinking, hooray, perhaps Susie will at last get rid of those brown corduroy trousers). So I thought I would paint my nails. I dig about in the random-things-drawer, this is what I find:

I am not feeling inspired

Where have all my nail polishes gone? Why have I only got left yellow, blue which I am bored of, an imitation of Rouge Noir which has dried up, coral which does not suit me and a small bottle of grey which came free with a magazine? You know how this happened. When I left the Job Of Doom ages and ages ago I subconsciously donned sackcloth and ashes, and either threw away or Ebayed anything frivolous or that possibly might make me look attractive, let us not analyse that one too rigorously. Well here I am now, sitting about in a shirt that is 10 years old* and no choice of nail polish colours. That wasn’t very empowering, was it? Well, luckily, I find myself in possession of a £5 Boots No. 7 voucher and I know that Boots No. 7 nail polish is £7, so for the relatively small outlay of £2 I could have fresh new nails, and I am walking through town tomorrow so I can pick some up. What colour shall I buy?

*Boden. I think this shirt is indestructible. I may send it to them to use in their promotional literature.

Failure to communicate

Partner has been watching my struggles with Annis sympathetically (it is going better now I have accepted I have got to use stitch markers. But I do not like using laceweight and I will not pretend).

...and now I see why top-down shawls are popular

He has suggested that if it is too difficult I 'could always go back to knitting, because you like that'. I wonder what he thinks it is I am doing? I think he has divided fibre arts into categories in his head in a way other people would not recognise. It is like the Sapir-Whorf Hypothesis as applied to crafts. I shall not analyse too deeply though because at least he is supportive (in a sarcastic kind of way), and enjoys going in wool shops and giving his opinion on the merchandise. I don't know if that should be encouraged or not.

Everything you ever wanted to know about running but were afraid to ask

When I was at school we sometimes used to do cross country running. This involved waiting until it was the most inappropriate and miserable weather, either freezing cold and raining and everywhere covered with mud or boiling hot, and then everyone getting dressed up in our navy knickers to stumble round the bottom of the sports field, fending off flashers. I used to manage to run a hundred metres with the gym teacher hollering at me (from the relative comfort of the sports block I might add) before I gave up and walked. I cannot think, looking back, of anything that would put you off running more effectively. I mean, I suppose the flashers made us speed up a bit, but, generally it didn’t work as a programme. I wonder why they wanted to put us off exercise? I don’t remember anyone trying to teach me maths by, for example, hitting me on the head with a hammer. Then a while ago in the Guardian I read an article by a man who had apparently gone from nothing to being able to run 5K in a fortnight. I suspect that man also tells people his penis is 12” long because this is complete nonsense and there is no wonder those of us who are not athletic are put off, what with navy knickers, flashers, mud, and unreasonable expectations. So as I am now following Couch to 5K and am thus an athlete and an expert, I have decided to tell you The Truth about running and exercise for those of us who are not 18 and were never sporty to start with. Yes, readers: this is everything you wanted to know about running but were afraid to ask (although if it isn’t, ask away).

1/ Couch to 5K works. However. If you are unfit like me, the weeks will take you longer than a week. Frankly they may take you months. You might even need to practice to get good enough to do week 1 (I did). Don’t feel bad about it and don’t do more than you can do. I mean, try to do it regularly and push yourself a bit, but you’re not supposed to be on the point of collapsing because then you would give up and be depressed. Remember: sustained effort, not one-off huge unrepeatable efforts (and that is a summary of everything I have ever done wrong in my life).

2/ If you ever go anywhere near a running magazine, website or other publication, they will impress on you the importance of correct shoes and equipment. Now, if you have existing joint problems then yes, fair enough, but, if you are just averagely unfit like me, let me break it to you: when you first start running, there is absolutely no chance of you running far enough to do your knees any harm at all. Frankly you could drag a pair of flip flops out of the back of your cupboard and do it in those (don’t because you might trip. I fell over today (not wearing flip flops) and it hurt, also I had to be rescued by two ginger dogs and I looked ridiculous). If I were you I would wear whatever trainers you have got lying about until you know if you like it or not because if you spend a fortune on flashy new ones that will guarantee that your first run will be your last.

Bruise developing on knee from falling over. Splat! Just like a starfish!

3/ Nor do you need leggings which wick sweat away, posh shiny vests or anything of that ilk unless it makes you feel more confident. I am sorry to say this, but, when you have first started running, you will look daft. You will look as if you are about to expire when you have been running for twenty seconds. You will stumble. You will have a constipated expression on your face. If you have posh sweat-wicking leggings and big shiny trainers you will look like a new runner who has spent money on clothes: you will not look as if you can run any better.

4/ When I first considered running I was very preoccupied by how daft I would look. I felt it was something I could not do in public. I felt the embarrassment would crucify me. After I had been running for 10 seconds I stopped caring and I have never cared since. And I am generally quite self-conscious. So do not let self-consciousness put you off because there will always be someone who looks worse than you (me) and really, no-one is looking at you. If they do look at you, give them the finger, no I am joking, or at least do not do that until you are confident you can run away fast enough. For me that will be some time in Autumn 2012.

5/ There is one item of equipment that is vital and that is a sports bra. I sometimes think you can tell who was likely to have benefited most from PE at school if you know what bra size they were when they were 13. I was 36C and let me tell you, there were additional issues for me when we had to do trampolining (I kid you not) that were not a problem for my AA friends. Get a good, supportive bra (it will look revolting) and I also then wear a tight lycra vest (from Treehouse28 on etsy) to strap myself down further so I can be comfortable, and not be recreating Baywatch Circa 1991 any more than I have to.

5/ Dogs love runners. I run through the local park and the hairier and larger the dog, the more it wants to be friends and run with me. It is a bit disheartening to be continually overtaken by the Dulux Dog, yes it is, but just remember that dogs have no sense of irony and they mean well. (Unless they bite you! They won’t).

6/ Buy a stop watch. Again, you do not need one that measures your blood pressure, heart rate and the condition of your soul, just a very cheap one from Argos. This will mean you can measure your progress and it is encouraging, also you cannot do Couch to 5K without one.

Pro Fitness. Ha

7/ Think back to the days of navy knickers. Did you try to get out of PE by saying you had your period? And did your PE teacher tell you that exercise was actually excellent for period pains so get moving, Fatso? Well, you were right and she was wrong. I suspect this is one of the things that is different for everyone, but, if I time my run wrong (either as my period starts or during ovulation) I can bring on cramps. You may be different but just be aware because who wants pain if they can avoid it. And while we are way down the TMI road I will tell you that although I do not have personal experience with this, I believe running can bring on leaking if you have stress incontinence, although I have also read it can make it better. You see, running is hardcore and all your insides get jiggled about. Why should I do this terrible thing you cry, well…

8/ What they really don’t tell you is that exercise makes you feel much better. Much better! It is like drinking wine without the hangover. It is the endorphins. They are strangely addictive and also it is better than drugs because you don’t have to be hanging about on street corners, you just have to embarrass yourself failing to overtake dogs and occasionally falling over.

I am thinking of swimming next, but the thought of the swimsuit is putting me off. Perhaps I could have one like Nigella? I would be the talk of Cambridge.

Thank you for comments ++ bored of my blanket

I have been a bit AWOL. So, first I wanted to say, thank you everybody for your very helpful comments about my lace dilemma on my last post. I said to Partner, do you remember the shawl we looked at, I asked my blog readers about the pattern… And Partner said, ha! I bet they said it was very difficult! without taking his eyes off the television. Partner has been learning lots about knitting recently, I rub him with different wools (on his face, not as part of questionable practices) so he can tell the difference in fibres and so far he has pronounced Noro Kureyon Sock ‘very rough’ and says he can definitely tell it from Malabrigo (this would be a good game at Christmas, wouldn’t it? Look out for me on Dragons’ Den). Anyway, you will be excited to learn that I have decided I am going to do a Lace Apprenticeship before I attempt the difficult pattern, which might be a good thing anyway as it might make me confident enough to tackle the big size first off. So I have acquired a skein of laceweight and I am going to have a crack at Annis, which looks easy and is a shape I will wear, but has nupps so I think will be enough of a challenge. After that I shall consider myself a lace master and will go wildly crashing about knitting things that are patterned on two sides.

Non, Whiskery Grey Pussycat, genus, non te facundia, non te restituet pietas

Second, here is a traditional Cambridge pussycat photo, you might recognise this one as he has appeared on my blog before. It is Whiskery Grey Pussycat who has eyebrows just like the former Regius Professor of Latin. Partner has just walked past and told me I should not write that, and that in any case he actually looks more like the Regius Professor of Latin before the one I am referring to, whose eyebrows were apparently even more striking. What this tells you about classics faculty recruitment procedures I do not know. Anyway, Whiskery Grey Pussycat and I have advanced our acquaintance and now he lets me stroke his nose as I pass.

When will it be over?

Third, my crochet blanket which I had finished and woven the ends in on and then masochistically decided to add a border. Readers, I am very bored of this blanket and frankly I wish it would finish itself, but, I suspect it is going to be very useful very quickly as the thermostat on the central heating has broken and I have got a cold. So I press on doggedly.

A border with my trademark taste and subtlety

Fourth, it has come to my attention that a certain person of my acquaintance (it is Aunty Kath) has been looking for reduced price Mulberry bags on websites. Now, here is my handy guide for telling whether a website is likely to be genuine or not: if it refers to Mulberry bags being carried by such luminaries as ‘Kate Mose’ then I am suspecting it might not be an official Mulberry outlet. So Aunty Kath, please do not part with your credit card details for a cut-price Alexa, as I would be worried you might get something questionable with a Mulberry label sewn on, and also I am worried the label might not have Mulberry spelled correctly. Indeed it might have Primark crossed out and Mullllberrrry written underneath. The only places I know of to get cut-price it-bags are TheOutnet.com and also the various designer sample sales in London, also ebay, but recently I find I have lost my killer ebay instinct and sometimes I would rather just buy things in shops (this happens when you get old, also the whole flat shoe thing and you start to watch quiz shows on BBC4 with interest).

Hmm, that made me think. Is Only Connect on later?

Cheapo bargain and a questionable endeavour

First, you have probably seen this but just in case you haven’t, you can download the Fall 2009 Interweave Knits Accessories e-magazine (snappy title) for 10 cents which is 7p in proper money, joke. I am not fond of e-magazines as I don’t like having to sit squinting at my laptop, but this is a truly excellent bargain as it has Koolhaas and the Sideways Grande Cloche in it which you might want to knit (I mean, if you knit Koolhaas with all that cabling you deserve having Jared Flood come round to your house, strip naked and do your hoovering, but I bet some of you have greater tolerance for cables than me). Also if you look at the patterns in it on Ravelry a lot of them are selling for $6 each. And an unbudgeted 7p is not too bad. Also if you are feeling slightly more flush, you can get an Interweave Knits (or other magazine) subscription for $18 here; you have to pay $7 international postage (if you are in the UK like me), but I have worked out for you that for 4 issues this means you are paying about £3.75 each, which is cheaper than you would be able to get if you bought them individually.

I give with one hand, I take with the other, because now I need advice. As I said previously, like a fool I now think I can knit lace and it will not make me want to go out and stab someone, so I thought I would have a go at a shawl. Now, although I admire all the beautiful shawls I see people knitting, in terms of my own personal style I do not think many of them are me (my fault not the shawls!) so I thought what I would do is, go through patterns and see if any of them jumps out and says, knit me. So I have looked at shawl patterns until I have gone cross eyed, and the shawl that jumps out and says knit me is Jaali by Kitman Figueroa. I have bought the pattern and looked at it and although it is quite involved it does not look impossible, but, it has patterning on all rows including wrong side ones which is apparently difficult. I am relatively adventurous and I have googled how to insert lifelines, also we have quite a collection of spirits for if things go badly and a secret store of Harveys Bristol Cream which my dad’s neighbour Roger keeps buying him and which he passes on to us when a certain critical sweet sherry point is reached. Would this be a stupid shawl to start with? Whenever I look at beginner lace advice everyone says knit Traveling Woman, but while Traveling Woman is a great pattern and very pretty, it is just not me and I would never wear it, so that seems a waste of wool. What do you think? Am I setting myself up for misery? (In knitting terms. In life terms I often do. I am like this poem but you will be encouraged to hear that it is quite correct, some polish is indeed gained with one’s ruin, and also the ability to knit mittens).

Huffington Post and whether feminists should knit. The definitive answer

If you have been on the internet recently you will know that someone on the Huffington Post has dissed the Yarn Harlot and essentially the internet has now ended because there is Fury. Well, I say, it is a shame the author of this piece about how we should all be tough like Sookie, whoever Sookie is, never read Dyke’s Delight comic circa 1993, where these issues have already been comprehensively explored and dealt with. I used to buy Dyke’s Delight and other indie comics from Forbidden Planet in London in the late 90s and sit on the commuter train back to Cambridge reading them, with men in suits looking at me thoughtfully. Forbidden Planet no longer have comics like this but I have a secret store for referring to in cases of internet crisis so we are very lucky and I can drag this one out tonight.

Rip Up Those Roles by Leanne Franson is the interesting story of Buzz, a Tuff Dyke, who feels herself trapped in the role of tough female. I don’t know if this is how Sookie, whoever she might be, feels, but I think we have to accept that it may be because it is never nice to feel that you can’t branch out.

Buzz the Tuff Dyke as approved of by the Huffington Post

Despite Buzz’s buzz cut, biceps and talent for motorbike maintenance, what she also – note, Huffington Post blogger – also wants is to spend time knitting, with her cat, and in a committed long term relationship with fellow Tuff Dyke, Bof. Oh the tragedy of attracting hoards of femmey chicks when what she wants is to escape the stereotype.

And this was pre-Ravelry so she probably had to make her own pattern

But triumph! In Yolanda’s Yarn Universe while buying a skein of Baby Sno Soft to knit pussy a mousie, Bof walks in, their eyes meet over a bin of Fancy Fluff yarns – mermaid bumfluff wasn’t yet being harvested in 1993 but you know, the next best thing – and Love Blossoms – because Bof knits too!

I don't know if they were into gardening and Hello Kitty but they may well have been

And they live happily ever after, baking cupcakes and knitting. But also being able to mend their motorbikes when necessary. So I am afraid the Huffington Post is a little bit behind the times but it has revealed that you do not mess with knitters, and we knew that, because we deal daily with terrifying things like Steeks and that is scarier than anything Sookie does. And don't anyone be putting any daft strictures on feminism because if you do I will have to show you Auntie Studs. What do you think she would say? Exactly.