Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Adventures in nail art

Someone at work has started a ridiculous craze of ridiculousness and now I am trapped in an unhealthy co-dependent cycle of imitation and one-upmanship.
I am still waiting to wake up one day and want to look like Audrey Hepburn. I am sure it will happen
Nail varnish. It is cheap, it is easier to change than most of the rest of your life when you are bored of it, not everyone’s cuticles are as knackered as mine. Le Tout Cambridge is wearing it. Obviously I cannot confine myself to tasteful blues and greys etc (I think it was Vivianne who once said blue nails made her think of corpses) as I do not have taste, I must go Wild. I considered the Caviar Mani but decided I did not have that amount of money to blow on the little beads which would come off and end up in my sandwich. I tried Avon Mosaic Effects Crackle Top Coat and I thought that was rather cool, but now I have moved, inexorably and with the painful inevitability of a drunken person falling off a bar stool, towards Glitter.
Memo to self: stop watching TOWIE. Further memo to self: attempt to acquire subdued and cerebral style icons. Joan Bakewell? Possibly
This is Rimmel Disco Ball (second from right, top pic). It is rubbish. This is four coats – four! And you can hardly see the glitter. Don’t waste your £2.48 at Asda. What I want is the kind of glitter that would make a drag artist pause and wonder if it might be a tiny bit de trop, not a subtle shimmer. Subtle shimmers are for skirting boards not nails. So when I heard a rumour of pots of nail glitter in Superdrug I was off there with a beady expression. And you know what? Since I last got into the nail thing, there is a whole world out there of nail art. There are stickers. There are foils (which make your nails look metallic? I don’t know). There are nail art pens (I very much doubt my capacity to produce anything attractive with a nail art pen but for those of you with steady hands - there are nail art pens!).

Do you ever wonder whether, if your life ever goes very, very wrong, there will be a moment when you think, stop. I should just not be doing this? Well, I can now tell you from personal experience that that moment comes when you find yourself, at 37, with a mortgage, a partner, extensive professional experience and a complicated emotional past, looking at the nail art transfers in Clare’s Accessories and thinking, shall I spend £3 on some rhinestones, and if I do, should I put them on every nail or just my thumbs. Well, of course I didn’t buy the rhinestones. I didn’t buy the glitter either. Nail glitter?  At my age? That would just be silly. Wouldn’t it?
1st rule of glitter: the minute you open it you have glitter all over your house for ever and ever
Yes, absolutely silly when you can get a great big pot of glitter for kids cheaper and bigger at your local friendly art shop. Hooray! Now I just have to think of a time when I will not need to do anything too complicated with my hands for an hour so I can try it out (base coat and dip). Might that time come tomorrow? I think it may. Can I cook a vegetarian shepherd’s pie mostly with my elbows if necessary? I think I can.

(You can get lip transfers that make your lips glittery as well. I mean, I won’t do. I’m just saying that FYI. They have them in Boots!).


Alittlebitsheepish said...

I think the nail stickers sound like a good idea. I am so very, very bad at painting my nails, mostly I end up with very colourful skin.

Vivianne said...

Perhaps use the glitter varnish as a top coat on a color varnish ?

Bugs said...

I don't recall how I came across your blog but you make me laugh so much, thank you. And I might revive my own glittery predilection too - I have also thought that "by now" I ought to be groomed, elegant, sedate, but then I find another hole in my jumpers (somewhere near a marmalade stain, usually) and if I were at least to have some glitter it might detract from my woeful inability to dress like a grown-up.

As Vivianne says above glitter varnish is good as a top coat and you can get some with little strips of varnish, rather than circular ones, that I think stand out better; my favourites used to be sky blue or lilac topped with glitter. Avoid colourful skin by painting nails at night (leaving time to dry to avoid that attractive blanket-texture effect) and then thoroughly washing and conditioning your hair in the morning and most/all of the skin varnish will come off.

I do feel that nail varnish is a wholly non-ethical frippery that I ought not to indulge in but I can't bring myself to get too angry about it. It's not like it's a knitted cupcake, after all.

The Foggy Knitter said...

I'm glad I'm not alone in being drawn to fun colours and glittery nail polish! Though I rarely remember to paint my nails so don't bother owning much.